slikmar Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Well, that could still happen. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Well, that could still happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Knock knock. Who's there? Owl. Owl who? Owl be seeing you, in all the old familiar places.... tkdguy and death tribble 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted April 27, 2015 Report Share Posted April 27, 2015 Never trust an atom, they make up everything. Biologists take a lot of cellfies I lost an electron, and yes I am positive. we make horrible science puns but only periodically I'm trying to think of an electricity pun, but my head hertz. I can't organize a space party. I'm too scatter brained to planet. My sons wanted to bring home a penguin from the zoo, but I told them it wouldn't fly. All the good science puns argon. And finally, I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 27, 2015 Report Share Posted April 27, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted April 27, 2015 Report Share Posted April 27, 2015 Seasonal golf joke. Foursome of friends out on the links. Unfortunately, one of them is (1) a bad golfer, (2) a bad sport, and (3) has an uncontrollable and loud "potty mouth". On one hole, he plunks his drive into a fairway bunker. "<Combination scatological blasphemous reference involving sexual perversions and multiple layers of obscenity>, I missed!" he screams, and storms down the fairway. His next shot, he manages a neat iron shot that picks the ball out of the bunker successfully, but on the other end it plops into the creek near the green. "<Combination scatological blasphemous reference involving sexual perversions and multiple layers of obscenity>, I missed!" he screams again, even louder. With a drop and an easy chip, he gets onto the green and has a fifteen-foot putt remaining. His attempt at the putt lips off the rim of the cup. "<Combination scatological blasphemous reference involving sexual perversions and multiple layers of obscenity>, I missed!" he screams, louder than ever. Out of the clear blue sky comes a bolt of lightning that strikes another member of the foursome, vaporizing that golfer and leaving nothing but smoking golf spikes. From the sky booms a deep voice: "<COMBINATION SCATOLOGICAL BLASPHEMOUS REFERENCE INVOLVING SEXUAL PERVERSIONS AND MULTIPLE LAYERS OF OBSCENITY>, I MISSED!" death tribble and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 28, 2015 Report Share Posted April 28, 2015 "That time Picard had a needle, but no thread, so he couldn't make it sew." - Wil Wheaton https://twitter.com/wilw/status/592717574800056322 death tribble and tkdguy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 28, 2015 Report Share Posted April 28, 2015 Related: "Well, I guess you need classical training for a line like that." tkdguy, death tribble and Bazza 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 Who's the boss? Some mild profanity. death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted April 29, 2015 Report Share Posted April 29, 2015 It would be more apt in all ways if the boss role went to the committee of all the nether regions sphyncters, because as bad as one is, having the committee of them have executive authority .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 30, 2015 Report Share Posted April 30, 2015 "There are four lights! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 Another golf joke: Steve's business meeting ended a little early, so he decided to take in a quick nine holes of golf before going home. When he got to the course, he was told that he could not play unless there was at least a twosome. Looking around, he saw an old man sitting on a nearby bench. "I'll play a round with you, sonny," he said. Having no other option, Steve signed himself and the old man up for the next tee time. The game turned out to be a lot of fun. The old man was a pretty good golfer, with a good sense of humor and a hundred stories of how good he had been "in the old days". Before he knew it, Steve was setting up his tee shot on the ninth hole. He drove the ball solidly into the rough, and it landed right behind a huge oak tree. As he surveyed the situation, trying to see the best way to get around the big oak, the old man spoke up. "When I was your age, I would've taken out my 5-iron and knocked the ball right over the top of that tree and onto the green." Steve, feeling challenged by the old man's claim, strode over to the cart and took the 5-iron out of his bag. He lined up his shot, swung the club and >> SMACK! << hit the ball right into the trunk of the tree. The ball bounced back and rolled to a halt less than a foot from where Steve had found it. The old man smiled. "Of course, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall...." BoloOfEarth and FrankL 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 How to tell different physicians apart: The lift doors are closing, and the physician wants in -- how does he stop the doors? The internal medicine specialist uses his hand; the surgeon uses his foot; the orthopedist uses his head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 ... and you don't want to know what the urologist uses. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted May 8, 2015 Report Share Posted May 8, 2015 Three couples, friends, die together in a big car crash. Shortly, they stand before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at them over his glasses. "Will the Jones family step forward." The first couple does. "Mr. Jones," St. Peter says, "you have spent your entire adult life obsessed with money. Acquiring more money has obsessed your every waking moment and most of your sleeping ones. In fact, you married a woman named 'Penny.' No, you will not be entering." Blinking, the two step back and go over to the side to await their friends. "Will the Browns step forward." The second couple does so. "Mr. Brown," St. Peter says, "you have spent your entire adult life obsessed with alcohol. Acquiring more drink has obsessed your every waking moment and most of your sleeping ones. In fact, you married a woman named 'Sherry.' No, you will not be entering." They step back and join the first couple. Before St. Peter can say anything else, the third man says, "Well, no use of us standing around here. Let's join the others, Fanny." tkdguy, Pariah and BoloOfEarth 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted May 12, 2015 Report Share Posted May 12, 2015 "Little Timmy! Can you see anything?" "No, Ma; all is well." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted May 17, 2015 Report Share Posted May 17, 2015 Have you heard about a new phobia they have discovered? It's a fear that the solar system is being trapped inside an impenetrable she'll. It's called Dyson's Fear FrankL, Cancer, death tribble and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 17, 2015 Report Share Posted May 17, 2015 Wow, that might be the nerdiest joke I've ever read. Good on you! Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 17, 2015 Report Share Posted May 17, 2015 Have you heard about a new phobia they have discovered? It's a fear that the solar system is being trapped inside an impenetrable she'll. It's called Dyson's Fear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 20, 2015 Report Share Posted May 20, 2015 I need to find a girl that will love me for my money and doesn't understand math. McCoy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
薔薇語 Posted May 20, 2015 Report Share Posted May 20, 2015 Warning: The following video is filled with puns. If you love them (like me), it will be great. Otherwise you may find yourself groaning to death. La Rose. death tribble and BoloOfEarth 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted May 21, 2015 Report Share Posted May 21, 2015 (edited) Well, Dad is in Yellowstone for another tourist season, so here are the ranger jokes. 1 How to identify the bear trying to eat you: Climb a tree. If it climbs the tree to eat you, it's a black bear. If it knocks down the tree to eat you, it's a grizzly bear. 2. Do not blow your car horn at the herd of bison crossing the road. The males have been known to use thier horns in retaliation. 3. In August, you get the mating season for elk. At this time of year, male elk get single minded, and tend to look at things as either a. something to mate with, b. something to fight with, or c. something to eat. As you do not wish to be in any of these catagories, stay away from elk. 4. Male bighorn sheep are called "rams" for a good reason. If you want a demonstration, stand too close to the herd. 5. The tree that looks like a telephone pole with a Christmas tree on top is a lodgepole pine. They grow that way naturally. The tree that looks like a telephone pole with a palm tree on top is a cell phone tower trying to blend in and failing. 6. Geysers are not on a clock. "Old Faithful" erupts about every 45 minutes, plus or minus a half hour. And it's the most regular geyser in the world. 7. If a bear wants your backpack, let him have it. 8. Don't shoot a bear with a pistol. You may injure him, but he'll kill you. Edited May 21, 2015 by Shadow Hawk Pariah and death tribble 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted May 22, 2015 Report Share Posted May 22, 2015 I need to find a girl that will love me for my money and doesn't understand math. I did that. It's not working. Think about it. Lucius and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 22, 2015 Report Share Posted May 22, 2015 Cancer, death tribble, bigbywolfe and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 4, 2015 Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 Technically not a joke, because these are real. I found them in our files cleaning out the library. Kid's Thoughts on Marriage WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second date." (Mike, 10) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kelly, 9) THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita , 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name ...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8) death tribble and L. Marcus 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.