Jokes

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Since when was cupid, for that matter, a holiday character?

[lemming]

Re: Jokes

 

Since when was Uncle Sam a holiday character?

 

Probably drafted into Independence day.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy how was i born?"

The father answers: "Well son, i guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mum and i first got together in a chatroom on Yahoo. Then i set up a date via email and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as i was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said, "You've got male."

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

Santa Is A Woman

I guess I just don't find unflattering gender stereotypes funny.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

...

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest

as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." ...

Right. Show me the woman who wouldn't be bothered by this.

 

This reminds me of a Simpsons moment.

Marge: "Why don't you ask for directions?"

Homer: "I can't do that! Don't you listen to all those comedians?"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Mistletoe

 

 

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably

well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end

had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying

elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone

who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I

was not in a particularly good mood.

 

Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become

one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe.

Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some

of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and

pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very

Picasso sort of way.

 

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent

it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I

would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of

mistletoe."

 

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

 

(pause)

 

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place

you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

 

"That's not why it's there."

 

(pause)

 

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

 

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children.

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets, pulled out a lighter and flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached in his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "they're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man and asked "and just what do these symbolise?"

The man replied, "these are Carol's."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

[ATTACH]26426[/ATTACH]

 

 

 

Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a

pizza.

 

"Certainly your majesty" says the manager "will it be your usual?

Deep pan, crisp and even?"

 

 

 

Once upon a time there was a flock of angels with long flowing

beautiful hair. But lo and behold, due to improper eating habits

and advanced age, all their hair fell out.

 

They soon saw the light and purchased gorgeous, extravagant wigs,

which were even more golden and more flowing than their original

hair.

 

One day, there came unto the angels very bad tidings. They lost

their financial security and were reduced to a penniless state. In

utmost misery, they fell to their knees and prayed for a solution.

 

Suddenly, the clouds parted and a thunderous voice gave forth the

following, "Hock the Hair, Old Angels."

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A doctor goes to a bar and orders a daiquiri. The bartender fixes the drink and on a whim, adds a hickory nut.

 

"What's that?"

 

"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Sign on a lift: In case of fire do not use lift. Someone wrote underneath in pencil: "use water instead"

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

how to clean the toilet

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the

water in the bowl.

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the

bathroom.

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both

lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises

that

come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"

and rinse".

 

6. Have someone ! open the front door of your home. Be sure that there

are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both

lids.

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,

and run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

The Dog

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Happy Hannukkah

 

 

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

6 pickled herrings

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

7 noodle kugels

6 pickled herrings

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

 

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

8 Alka- Seltzer

7 noodle kugels

6 pickled herrings

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

Dang, now I'm hungry.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Top Ten Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

 

10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes.

 

9. You're serving reindeer pot pie.

 

8. When you hear "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?", you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

 

7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the butt with your Red Ryder BB gun.

 

6. You think you hear your Christmas Tree taunting you.

 

5. Instead of spending time with your family, you're at the office watching some guy make photocopies.

 

4. You're busted for running around town wearing nothing but mistletoe.

 

3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears.

 

2. Your standard response: "Yeah, and Happy Holidays to you too, you b@st@rd!"

 

1. Two words: tinsel rash.

 

Happy holidays, everyone!

 

Author unknown

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

 

 

 

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

 

 

1. He called everyone brother. .

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn't get a fair trial.

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

 

 

1. He went into His Father's business. .

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

 

 

1. He talked with His hands. .

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

 

 

1. He never cut His hair. .

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :

 

 

1. He was at peace with nature. .

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

 

 

1. He never got married. .

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

 

 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

 

 

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

What do you call a belly dancer that carries a sword?

 

 

A veiled threat.

 

 

 

 

Uh, you don't carry a sword, do you, Red....?

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

 

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

 

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

 

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

 

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the

questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

 

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Secrets To A Woman's Happy Life

 

1. It is important to find a man who loves only you.

2. It is important to find a man who cooks and cleans.

3. It is important to find a man who makes good money.

4. It is important to find a man who likes to have sex.

5. It is important to find a man who is sensitive and understanding.

6. It is important to find a man who loves to dance with only you.

7. It is extremely important that these six men never meet.

 

 

 

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

 

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men

summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out,

 

"Jim....my."

 

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

 

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and

murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

 

The second man replied, "Irish."

 

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.

 

Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."

 

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

 

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

 

"Cancer," said Jimmy.

 

Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."

[FireTiger]

Re: Jokes

 

Do you know that there are actually only two blonde jokes?

 

 

All the rest are true.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(My apologies to anyone this might offend, and on that note, such persons may want to skip this one.)

 

Ten Reasons Why God Won't Get University Tenure:

 

 

1. He published only one book.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.

5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.

6. He is not known for His cooperative work

7. Sure, He created the world, but what has He done lately?

8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with human subjects.

9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.

10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample.

11. He rarely comes to class - and just tells His students to read the Book.

12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.

13. Although He only has 10 requirements, students often fail His tests.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning.

15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Do you know that there are actually only two blonde jokes?

 

 

All the rest are true.

I thought there was only one blonde joke, and one red-haired joke.

 

 

 

This is the joke thread

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

A NY lawyer and a Texan are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Texans are so dumb that he could easily get one over on them. So, the the lawyer asks if the Texan would like to play a fun game. The Texan is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and settles into a nap.

 

The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

 

This catches the Texan's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The Texan thinks for a moment and shrugs his shoulders. He then reaches into his pocket, withdraws a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the Texan's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

 

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references. He searches Google, the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows. He uses the airphone; all to no avail.

 

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Texan and hands him $500.

 

The Texan pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the Texan and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

 

The Texan reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

(Apparently this joke has seen near innumerable iterations/permutations, but I like this one the best. )

[Diamond Spear]

Re: Jokes

 

NEVER CHEAT ON A HILLBILLY WOMAN!!!!!

 

 

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with

another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting

firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the

tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then

secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old

carpenter's saw. The banged up husband was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop!

Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that damn rusty saw are you?' The

wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand

and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a

cold beer.'

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

What's the punchline?

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

I got this one in my e-mail today:

 

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

 

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

 

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.

 

I had no Monet

 

to buy Degas

 

to make the Van Gogh."

 

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

 

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

[Dreadnought]

Re: Jokes

 

I got this one in my e-mail today:

 

I wish I could give negative rep for that.