Jokes

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

There's no need to get so graphic. You can be plane with me.

We're on a whole different page now. The least you could do is coordinate your responses...

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

 

The barman says "How about a double whisky to start you off Rene?"

 

Rene says "I think not" and promptly vanishes.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

 

The barman says "How about a double whisky to start you off Rene?"

 

Rene says "I think not" and promptly vanishes.

 

This joke has no horrible puns or poop references. If you keep up this highbrow level of humor, I'll have to report you to a moderator.

[Lord Mhoram]

Re: Jokes

 

Jesus walks in to a bar, and sits down at the end. One old guy wearing dark glasses hears him come in, and asks the bartender "Is that Jesus?" to which the bartender says "Yup".

"Well send him a beer from me."

And the two guys next to him see what is going on, and follow suit.

 

So the bartender serves three to Jesus, and explains where they come from, and He nods and walks over.

 

"I thank you for your kindness and generosity" he says to the three of them. He looks at the first, in dark glasses, and sees the white cane beside him. "Generosity deserves reward" He says as he touches the blind guy, who yells, takes off his glasses, and looks around the room and screams "I can See, I can see!!!" and he runs off out of the bar.

 

Jesus walks to the next man, and sees a hearing aid, and touches that man on the head, who yells, rips out his hearing aid, and yells "I can hear, I can hear" and he runs out of the bar.

 

Jesus turns to the next man, who has backed up with his cane held in front of him like a sword yelling "Don't touch me, I'm on disability!!!"

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

How to wake up with a big smile on your face every morning:

 

 

Sleep with a clothes hanger in your mouth.

 

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

YOu will notice that this is posted in the joke thread.

 

 

Subject: Fw: Liberals vs. Conservatives

 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big- game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

[Outsider]

Re: Jokes

 

Subject: Fw: Liberals vs. Conservatives

 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were smarter and more inventive spent their time running the agricultural village that provided the grain to make the beer. They then traded beer to the conservatives for meat at the nightly B-B-Q's. They also did all the other things that advanced human culture beyond cave-painting. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men were actually women. The conservatives, sensing their own inferiority, and being unable and unwilling to lift themselves up, started trying to put the others down by calling them 'girliemen'. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of animals, the invention of agriculture, writing, written law, and many concepts of governance beyond the traditional conservative 'biggest/meanest guy lords it over everyone within arm's reach' method.

 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the african elephant. While the African Elephant is powerful, it is largely undomesticatable, and thus useless to human society. Liberals are symbolized by the donkey, an animal that, while sometimes stubborn, will do prodigious amounts of work for mankind. Modern liberals, true to their trading roots, like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They are not against trying new things, so they are willing to eat sushi, tofu, and French food. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women aren't beaten down, demoralized, or demonized by their Culture, and thereby are able to express their own opinions, persue their own dream, and generally exhibit what many conservatives consider 'masculine' behavior. Most artists, lawyers, writers, dreamers in Hollywood and other creativetypes are liberals. Conservatives drink domestic beer, as they have no taste and are just after an alcohol buzz. They eat red meat and potatos every day (change is bad!) and still oppress their women. Conservatives are jocks, bullies, bigots, sociopaths, and generally anyone who gets by in life (or would like to get by in life) by pushing around those physically, socially, politically, or economically less able than themselves. Conservatives who own companies often outsource their employee's jobs, because, while it is bad for their countrymen, it is highly profitable for them, the owner.

 

Liberals try to procure little or nothing from these companies. They also like to govern the producers to limit their rapaciousness & tendency toward manipulating the free market. Anti-trust laws, abti-toxic waste dumping laws, anti-child labor laws, and many other laws that protect the public and workers are the work of Liberals. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans in some areas. Conservatives refuse to consider that possibility because foreign superiority in any area leads to the question of why we arent doing things that way, which leads to us emulating the foreign way, which is change. Bad! Bad! This dislike of change is why most of the conservatives remained in Europe, while those europeans who could imagine a better life (even if it meant giving up their traditional ways and haunts) emigrated to America. Conservatives only appeared in America after the liberals had worked (like donkeys) to tame the continent, and had become prosperous. Once prosperous, many liberals became (or bred) conservatives who wanted to keep everything the same, with them on top of the pile. Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Conservative may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above and never forward it. A Liberal will simply laugh and be amused by the absolute truth of this history, and maybe forward it to other liberals. They wont forward it to any conservatives because they don't get their kicks out of baiting people. That's a conservative thing.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Jesus walks in to a bar

A few lyrics from "Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?"

 

"Have you touched me with your warmness, or have I wet myself again?"

 

"I know you can walk on the water, but can you walk on this much beer?"

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

We're on a whole different page now. The least you could do is coordinate your responses...

 

Okay, you have a point. Where did I cross the line?

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Subject: Fw: Liberals vs. Conservatives

 

Subject: Fw: Liberals vs. Conservatives

 

At least we now know where both of you stand.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

 

 

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!!!!

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

An Army and a Navy guy were in the men's bathroom at the same time. Both used the urinals, and the Army guy started to walk out without first washing.

 

"In the Navy, we wash our hands after we go to the bathroom," said the sailor with a smirk.

 

"In the Army, we don't pee on our hands," replied the soldier as he continued to walk out the door.

[Outsider]

Re: Jokes

 

At least we now know where both of you stand.

 

Yep... I'm contrary.

 

I've seen Tim's reposted "liberals vs conservatives' thing before and have always found it to be mean spirited instead of fun spirited, and not fit to be in a thread intended to entertain. So instead of just saying 'dude, that's mean-spirited, not funny' I thought I'd make my point by reversing the polarity and sending it back. Hey.. it works in STNG. For the record, I dont believe the characterization of liberals or conservatives given in either post.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Okay' date=' you have a [b']point[/b]. Where did I cross the line?

Wow, you just won't let this go. You must really have some axes to grind.

[Hyper-Man]

Re: Jokes

 

Wow' date=' you just won't let this go. You must really have some [b']axes[/b] to grind.

 

What z said.

[Corven_Ren]

Re: Jokes

 

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always

wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he

buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the

kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert storms off into the

bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked

except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice

anything different NOW?" Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's

different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,

it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU

KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope," she replies. "IT'S

HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Margaret

replies... "Shoul da bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

 

"Eight," the boy replied.

 

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A guy called his computer company's tech support line to report a problem with his monitor. "The display's gone all wavy. It's impossible to read now."

 

"And when did this start happening?" the techie asked.

 

"Just yesterday."

 

"And have you been doing anything different over the past couple of days?"

 

"I got a new cell phone yesterday. Do you think that could be the problem?"

 

"It might be. What kind of phone is it?"

 

After hearing the brand and model of the customer's new phone, the techie replied, "Yep, that's the problem. Radio frequency interference from that particular phone is notorious for damaging a computer's video card. Yours is fried. You'll have to get it replaced."

 

The customer hesitated for a minute before responding, "So you're saying that...."

 

"That's right," the techie confirmed. "Radio killed your video card."

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

DOPEY AND THE POPE

 

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "THE seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, Ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

"Tonight's sermon is titled 'What is Hell?' Everyone is invited to come in early and listen to the choir practice."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Advice From Women To Men

 

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

 

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

 

3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

 

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

 

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

 

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

 

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

 

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

 

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

 

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

 

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

 

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!

 

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favourite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

 

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

 

15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

 

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

 

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

 

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

 

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

 

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Snow White was sleepy and told the seven dwarfs she was going to bed. After the usual seven "Good Nights!" she went upstairs. Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and stood on each other's shoulders beneath her bedroom window. Since tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on top, he was the only one who could see inside so it was his duty to describe exactly what he saw to the others. He reported, "She's taking off her blouse." and this was echoed down the stack, "She's taking off her blouse." "She's taking off her blouse." "She's taking off her blouse." "She's taking off her blouse." "She's taking off her blouse." "She's taking off her blouse." Then Grumpy said, "She's taking off her skirt!" which was again echoed, "She's taking off her skirt!" "She's taking off her skirt!" etc. Then Grumpy reported, "She's taking off her bra!" which echoed, "She's taking off her bra!" on down the pile. "She's taking off her panties!" Ditto. Finally, Grumpy looked around and, from his vantage point, saw a stranger heading towards them from out of the woods. He said, "Someone's coming!" And down the line of dwarves was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too...."

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Officials at the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD were arguing over which of them had the most successful people working for them. Finally, they decided to submit their best and brightest to a test: a rabbit would be released into the woods, and whichever one found the rabbit in the shortest time would be declared the winner.

 

The CIA team immediately diverted a satellite to take detailed infrared and low-light pictures of the forest, then set up listening devices throughout the woods. After a week's fruitless results, they decided that the rabbit must have moved to a neighboring forest where it was living under an assumed name.

 

The FBI team tapped every phone in the forest (which didn't take long) and set up an informant network among the woodland creatures. After two weeks, they came to the conclusion that the rabbit had been killed by the Bunny Mafia.

 

Finally, a pair of LAPD officers went into the woods. Two hours later, they came out dragging a handcuffed, bleeding, and badly-bruised grizzly bear who was shouting, "Enough already! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Married Life

 

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

---------------------------

Marriage is a three ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

---------------------------

For Sale:

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

---------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

---------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

---------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

 

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.

 

"I've been divorced three times."

---------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

---------------------------

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.

---------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

---------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

---------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

---------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

 

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

 

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

 

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

---------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

 

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

 

The Lord replies, "A minute."

 

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

 

The Lord replies, "A penny."

 

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

 

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

---------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.

Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

 

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

---------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

 

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

 

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

 

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

 

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

---------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.

I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

 

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"