Jokes

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

People are always coming up to me and saying stupid things. Today I was sitting on top of a newspaper lying on a bench. After a few minutes, one guy comes up to me and asks, "Are you reading that paper?"

 

"Yes I am," I replied. Then I stood up, turned the page, and sat down on the newspaper again.

 

(Shamelessly stolen from David Brenner)

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce

 

 

 

 

Oklahoma

 

 

 

 

The proper way is:

 

 

 

' Okla . homa'

 

 

 

(There's a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.)

 

 

 

 

 

See the reason below.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

 

(There's a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.)

 

 

That's a good place for my paws to go...

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

' Okla . homa'

Where the wind comes sweepin' down the... never mind.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: How many Oklahoma football players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one, but he gets three credit hours for it.

 

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: How many Oklahoma football players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one, but he gets three credit hours for it.

 

Oh, come on. We arent NEARLY that bad.

 

Anymore.

 

(Seriously, you only get like one credit hour for that)

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Oh, come on. We arent NEARLY that bad.

 

Anymore.

 

(Seriously, you only get like one credit hour for that)

 

Sorry. I grew up not far from Boulder, so we make jokes about Oklahoma and Nebraska at every opportunity. I only picked Oklahoma for that one because of the joke a little higher up on this page.

 

But I'm for Equal Opportunity and all that, so here's one:

 

Q: What does the 'N' on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?

 

'Nowledge'.

 

[Enforcer84]

Re: Jokes

 

Sorry. I grew up not far from Boulder, so we make jokes about Oklahoma and Nebraska at every opportunity. I only picked Oklahoma for that one because of the joke a little higher up on this page.

 

But I'm for Equal Opportunity and all that, so here's one:

 

Q: What does the 'N' on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?

 

'Nowledge'.

I'd make a joke about CU, but it's all been done.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

I'd make a joke about CU' date=' but it's all been done. [/quote']

Not necessary.

 

CU IS a joke.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Company Computer Upgrade

The existing stock of personal computers in our organization is

nearing

the end of it's useful life and we have been evaluating the options

available for the future.

 

It has been decided that the goal is to remove all laptop computers by

October 2007 and all desktops computers by December 2007 . Instead

everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

 

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

 

1) No boot-up problems

2) No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3) No Software installs required

4) No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

5) No more worries about power cuts.

6) Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

7) Immunity from computer viruses

8) No passwords to remember

 

Some Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

 

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the

screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.

 

If you have any further queries, please feel free to ask a child.

 

Many Thanks,

User Support

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

A rancher is particularly proud of his champion bull. "That bull breeds 250 times a year!" he proudly announces to his wife one morning.

 

"250 times?" she says, arcing an eyebrow. "Maybe you could learn something from him."

 

He sighs and shakes his head. "It's not all with the same cow, honey," he replies.

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?

 

A: It's in the ground state.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A newly-elected congressman is meeting with his predecessor, and that departing congressman hands the new guy three envelopes (numbered #1, #2, #3). "During your time in office, there will be occasions where you're not sure what to do. In those cases, open an envelope, in the order they're numbered."

 

The new congressman scoffs and tosses the envelopes in his desk drawer.

 

Seven months later, however, the new congressman is embroiled in a scandal, and he's not sure how to handle it. Looking for a pen, he opens a desk drawer and sees the envelopes. "What the heck?" he thinks, and opens envelope #1.

 

A slip of paper inside reads: "Blame your predecessor."

 

So that's what the congressman does. "I am just cleaning up the mess left by my predecessor," he tells his constituents. Luckily for him, they buy this 'explanation' and everything calms back down.

 

A few years later, into his second term, the congressman's constituents are again up in arms, and he's not sure what to do. Spying the two remaining envelopes, he shurgs and opens envelope #2.

 

A paper inside reads: "Blame the other party."

 

Again, the congressman does exactly that. "I am attempting to solve this difficulty, but my colleagues on the other side of the aisle have blocked every solution I propose." Again, the people buy this, and things get better.

 

A few more years pass, and a third scandal erupts. No amount of spin seems able to contain the problem, and in desperation the congressman opens envelope #3.

 

A slip of paper inside reads: "Prepare three envelopes..."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Middle aged T shirt slogans

 

No I don't want to change my electricity supplier even for Nectar points

 

Wake me up when the train reaches Guildford

 

Top 5 t shirts for middle aged men

 

5/ I survived Edmonton IKEA 2005

 

4/ Why do I have boobs?

 

3/ Jeremy Clarkson is god! All hail!

 

2/ You wouldn't believe the size of my no claims bonus

 

1/ Look away I can't hold my gut in for much longer

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

The 10 Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

 

 

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

 

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

 

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of (insert your name here)

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

A guy was shopping at an expensive clothing store, when the call of nature hit. As the men's room was out of order, the saleslady showed him to the ladies' room, with the warning, "Don't touch the three buttons!"

 

After he's done his business, eyeing the three buttons (labeled "WW," "SW" and "ATR"), he gets curious, and hits the first button. Warm water washes over him, negating his need for toilet paper. Even more curious, he hits the second. Warm, soapy water washes him this time, leaving only a pleasant odor behind.

 

He studies the third button for some time, unable to discern what the initials could possibly stand for. But the previous two buttons weren't all bad. So, shrugging, he hits the third.

 

He wakes up in the hospital, a blood transfusion dripping into his arm, groggy and high on pain medications. A doctor rushes over, and tells him how miraculous it was that he survived the ordeal, and how she's been working tirelessly to preserve his life, and soberly tells him he lost a lot of blood.

 

"But . . . what happened?" he asks her.

 

She hesitates. "You were found in the ladies' room. You pushed the three buttons, didn't you?"

 

"Yeah. It was warm water, soapy water, and . . . What does ATR stand for?"

 

"Automatic tampon remover."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

The 10 Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

 

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

Oh, I'm so using this one when I disappear next week.

[slikmar]

Re: Jokes

 

The 10 Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

 

 

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

 

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

 

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of (insert your name here)

 

Are these from Scott Adams, the writer/artist for Dilbert? I only ask because I can remember him using the term In-duh-viduals in his first book, The Dilbert Principle.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

 

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

 

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

 

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

 

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

 

God just shrugged and said,

 

"JESUS SAVES."

[Corven_Ren]

Re: Jokes

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that dang Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A Brief History of Medicine:

 

Problem: "I have an ear ache."

 

Solutions:

 

* 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

* 1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

* 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

* 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. "

* 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

* 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Iraq-War Clichés or New Euphemisms for Taking a Crap? BY KEVIN GRIFFITH

 

- - - -

 

Giving the surge time to work

 

Pursuing an exit strategy

 

Setting a timetable for withdrawal

 

To cut and run

 

Spreading democracy

[mwiggins]

Re: Jokes

 

A cop is driving down the street, and sees a penguin waddling along. He catches it and calls the station to find out what to do.

The captain tells him to take it to the zoo

When the cop goes back to the station at the end of his shift the captain asks "Did you take that penguin to the zoo?"

The cop replies "Shur did. We had a great time. This weekend were going to a ballgame!?

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

(Can't remember if I posted this one before. Apologies to all our female posters, and to Kip Adotta.)

 

A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I go to the bathroom, nickels are falling out!"

 

"Relax!" he says. "Put your feet up, come back and see me in a week."

 

So a week later the woman returns to say, "Now every time I go to the bathroom, *dimes* are falling out!"

 

"Relax!" he says. "Put your feet up, come back and see me in a week."

 

Another week passes, and the woman storms in, shouting, "Doctor, it's getting worse. Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS are falling out!"

 

"Rela..."

 

"DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX!" she screams. "I want to know what's happening!!!"

 

The doctor smiles. "You're just going through your Change..."