Jokes

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

Warning, warning, adult (ie adolescent) content!

 

 

 

A man was waiting in the optician's waiting room after his eye exam. After several minutes the optician came over to him.

 

"Well Mister Smith," he says, "You'll have to stop masturbating so much."

 

The man frowned. "So it really does damage your eyesight then?"

 

"It's not that," says the optician, "You're upsetting all the other patients."

 

 

[Enforcer84]

Re: Jokes

 

Also immature.

 

 

 

A man wakes up one morning to find his manhood has grown. Being in his thirties and not on any medication this is news to him. Not only is he larger, he and his wife find to their delight that he's more...'durable'.

A week later it happens again. This isn't temporary, folks. After a couple of months, it's starting to become a bother. He's having trouble getting in his clothes in the morning, even walking...so finally, in a somewhat embarrassed state he goes to the doctor.

"Well," the Doctor says after a radical treatment has finally stopped the ...growth, we got it stopped and a surgical proceedure will get you back to your old self!"

After a pause, his wife asked anxiously, "How long will my husband be on crutches?"

The doctor, a bit confused, responded, "Why would he be on crutches?"

To which the wife responded, "You are going to make his legs longer, are you not?"

 

 

I may have used this one before....

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Joe was a long haul truck driver who found himself on the road one Christmas morning, far away from his home and family. He pulled into a familiar truck stop and was greeted by Mavis, a waitress who'd known Joe for more than ten years.

 

Mavis smiled brightly as he took his customary seat at the counter. "Merry Christmas, Joe," she said. "The usual?"

 

"Merry Christmas, Mavis," he answered. "No, I think I'll try something different this morning, being Christmas and all. Let me see a menu." Joe hadn't ordered anything but pancakes and sausage in years.

 

After looking at the menu for a bit, Joe decided to he was going to try the Eggs Benedict. A few minutes later Mavis brought him his holiday breakfast with toasted English muffins, Canadian bacon, and poached eggs, covered in hollandaise sauce, all served on a big, shiny chrome plate with a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice on the side. It looked and smelled delicious, but Joe was surprised at the presentation. "Hey Mavis" he asked, "What's with the fancy plate?"

 

"It's tradition," she answered. "Don't you know, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise?"

 

Happy hollandaise, everyone!

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

There must be a misunderstanding; this is the jokes thread. Jokes should be humourous!

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses...without your glasses.

 

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

[Lord Mhoram]

Re: Jokes

 

There must be a misunderstanding; this is the jokes thread. Jokes should be humourous!

 

Ah go vent your bile somewhere else.

 

 

 

 

Yes that is a horrible geeky pun

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

There must be a misunderstanding; this is the jokes thread. Jokes should be humourous!

Anyone who thinks that joke's not humerus deserves a broken arm!

 

 

 

 

 

What?

[austenandrews]

Re: Jokes

 

Ah go vent your bile somewhere else.

Anyone who thinks that joke's not humerus deserves a broken arm!

 

I think the term "anatomic bomb" can apply to either of these comments.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Ah go vent your bile somewhere else.

 

 

 

 

Yes that is a horrible geeky pun

 

Wow, you've got some gall to make a comment like that....

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Wow' date=' you've got some gall to make a comment like that....[/quote']

 

Better.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

You knew it would come sooner or later:

 

argos staff have been told they must sell lots of teddy bears this

christmas, but ensure they do not make a prophet out of them:D

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

 

 

Finding half a worm in half an apple.

 

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

Big Tam, the mortician asks the deceased's wife how he would like the body dressed.

 

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue.

 

She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

 

The woman returns the next day.

 

To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

 

She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?'

 

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.

 

'No charge', he says.

 

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

 

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didn't cost a thing.'

 

You see, a dead gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

 

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

 

'So, I just switched their heads.'

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

Big Tam, the mortician asks the deceased's wife how he would like the body dressed.

 

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue.

 

She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

 

The woman returns the next day.

 

To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

 

She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?'

 

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.

 

'No charge', he says.

 

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

 

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didn't cost a thing.'

 

You see, a dead gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

 

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

 

'So, I just switched their heads.'

You complain about "no plate like chrome for the hollandaise", and then post this?

 

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

He had a whole day to change suits? When I tell the joke, he only has a few minutes before the viewing starts.

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

If he only has a few minutes, his solution might be seen as "clever". If he had a whole day...hes just weird (and thats funnier, imho)

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

He had a whole day to change suits? When I tell the joke' date=' he only has a few minutes before the viewing starts. [/quote']

 

Hey! He had to get the stitching right so the departed wouldn't leak embalming fluid during the eulogy. It's not good form for the casket to dribble over the pallbearers.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Wow' date=' you've got some gall to make a comment like that....[/quote']

 

 

Zombie 1: What's that you're chewing?

Zombie 2: Mint.

Zombie 1: What kind?

Zombie 2:

Ligament.

 

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

 

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

 

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

 

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[BoneDaddy]

Re: Jokes

 

Better.

Like you have rheum to criticize...

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Pfft, I only post the very best jokes.

[Comic]

Re: Jokes

 

Pfft' date=' I only post the very best jokes. [/quote']

Do you have a link to _that_ site?

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

 

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

 

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Santa Is A Woman

 

 

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

 

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing

social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull

it all off!

 

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting

gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind

of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with

amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping

spree.

 

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco

products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You

might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my

husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th

hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa

is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would

wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the

tree, still in the bag.

 

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,

there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and

strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate

claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already

be on the way to the taxidermist.

 

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation

problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and

clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the

fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the

Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the

flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas

fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to

straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

 

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen

with all those elves.

- Men don't answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest

as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability

to pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

 

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

Definite guy.

- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

 

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good

will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas

Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

 

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

Definite guy.

- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

 

Since when was Uncle Sam a holiday character?