Jokes

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

TENNESSEE GHOST STORY ......TRUE

 

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the mountains of Tennessee, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrifi ed, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they relized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

Undercover Clergy

 

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

 

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Jerry Garcia awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments. Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano. Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up. As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmered, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!" Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, one, two..."

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar one evening. The bartender took one look at them and said, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

 

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. The place suddenly went silent, and the dog said, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

 

A skeleton walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Give me a beer and a mop."

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

An atheist was taking a nature stroll, admiring nature. A bear suddenly came upon him and was about to attack when the atheist cried out, "God help me!" The atheist suddenly found himself in God's presence.

 

God said, "For many years, you disavowed my existence. Now you suddenly call for my help. Don't you think you're being quite a hypocrite?"

 

"You're right," said the atheist. "But at least make the bear a Christian."

 

"Granted," said God. And the atheist suddenly found himself confronting the bear again. The bear dropped to his knees and prayed.

 

"I thank you, Lord, for the meal I am about to receive..."

 

(No offense meant to anyone here, of course.)

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Lincoln insulted the American people in the Gettysburg Address. He said we as a nation only had four fathers.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

Lincoln insulted the American people in the Gettysburg Address. He said we as a nation only had four fathers.

 

*plays Dueling Banjos*

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

In honor of the season....

 

Q: What do you call a ghost that haunts a hen house?

 

A: Poultrygheist!

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

I just met a guy who told me he hadn't had a bite for three days. So I bit him.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

 

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A bit out of date, but...

 

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

 

Christopher Walken

 

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

What do you get when you mix Viagra and shampoo?

 

Don King

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.....

 

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

 

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

 

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

 

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

 

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your @$$ and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new

nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room

and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

 

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I

observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

 

A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

 

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused.

This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove

is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

 

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door

and flung it open, yelling to his nurse....

 

"Darn it Evelyn !!!!! I said a 'BUTT LIGHT.' "

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

This is a true story, but it's kinda funny so I thought I'd post it here.

 

A few years ago, my grampa was getting a little senile and we decided it was best to put him in a managed care facility. We loved our grampa dearly and wanted to make sure he got the best possible care, so we did a lot of research before we finally found a place that we really liked. It had everything, full-service -- doctors and nurses on call 24 hours a day, exercise facilities, spa, activities around the clock, the whole works.

 

So we signed grampa up. On his first day, I was there helping him unpack and get settled and a nurse walks in -- real cutie, brunette, dark eyes. She goes up to my grampa, puts her hand on his shoulder, and smiles real big. "Mr. Keyes," she says, "Welcome to Sunnydale Acres. Just to make sure you're completely happy here, I've come to give you some super sex."

 

Grampa can hardly believe his ears. He grins as big as a cheshire cat and says, "Wow, that's wonderful! I'll have the soup, please!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

This is a true story, but it's kinda funny so I thought I'd post it here.

 

A few years ago, my grampa was getting a little senile and we decided it was best to put him in a managed care facility. We loved our grampa dearly and wanted to make sure he got the best possible care, so we did a lot of research before we finally found a place that we really liked. It had everything, full-service -- doctors and nurses on call 24 hours a day, exercise facilities, spa, activities around the clock, the whole works.

 

So we signed grampa up. On his first day, I was there helping him unpack and get settled and a nurse walks in -- real cutie, brunette, dark eyes. She goes up to my grampa, puts her hand on his shoulder, and smiles real big. "Mr. Keyes," she says, "Welcome to Sunnydale Acres. Just to make sure you're completely happy here, I've come to give you some super sex."

 

Grampa can hardly believe his ears. He grins as big as a cheshire cat and says, "Wow, that's wonderful! I'll have the soup, please!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And this facility is where now? I have to plan for my retirement.

["V"]

Re: Jokes

 

Up in the wilds of Yorkshire is an old rabbit farm. For many years they have had a single prize buck, Bill, who has sired thousands if not hundreds of thousands of rabbits on the many lady bunnies who dwell there.

 

But Bill is getting a little past his prime, so they bring in a young new buck called Steve to help him out.

 

"Good day my boy," says Bill when he's introduced to Steve, "Perhaps you would show me your technique."

 

Steve nods, races over to the nearest doe, mounts, and leaps off within a couple of seconds.

 

"No, no, no," says Bill, "You've got to show a little more respect and courtesy."

 

"Okay I'll try," says Steve.

 

The shift begins and the does line up munching grass and gossiping among themselves in the way that does will. Bill starts at one end, Steve at the other.

 

Bill as usual is the perfect gentleman, greeting each doe courteously: "Good morning to you my dear, here we are again then, haha, do you mind? Splendid. Oh yes that's just the ticket indeed, very kind of you. Do have a good day..." and on to the next.

 

Meanwhile Steve is racing away: "Thank you doe, Thank you doe, Thank you doe, Thank you doe, Thank you doe ... oops.. Sorry Bill, Thank you doe.."

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

A couple of elderly Southern Belles are sitting on the veranda sipping mint juleps and reminiscing about the good old days. One of them sighs longingly and says, "Annabelle, do you remember the minuet?"

 

Annabelle chuckles and says, "Sweetie, I can barely remember the men I screwed."

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

Meanwhile Steve is racing away: "Thank you doe' date=' Thank you doe, Thank you doe, Thank you doe, Thank you doe ... oops.. Sorry Bill, Thank you doe.."[/quote']

 

No no no. You're telling it all wrong, V! Here's how it really happened:

 

Up in the wilds of Yorkshire is an old rabbit farm. For many years they have had a single prize buck, Bill, who has sired thousands if not hundreds of thousands of rabbits on the many lady bunnies who dwell there.

 

But Bill is getting a little past his prime, so they bring in a young new buck called Steve to help him out.

 

"Good day my boy," says Bill when he's introduced to Steve. "You understand that you've got some mighty big shoes to fill. Only the very toughest, strongest, and meanest bucks can perform the duties required here."

 

Steve recognizes a challenge when he hears one. "I'm tougher than you'll ever be, old man!" he says, lunging at the older buck. Bill immediately turns and runs for dear life, with Steve chasing him all around the farm.

 

After a few minutes of this, the old farmer comes out with a shotgun and blows poor Steve to Kingdom Come. "Curse my luck!" the farmer sighs. "That's the fifth gay buck in a row I've bought!"

 

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A cowboy is captured by indians, and the chief tells the cowboy, "we kill you at sunset, but you get three last requests. What you want?"

 

The cowboy says, "First, I want to talk to my horse." So some braves bring the horse to him, the cowboy whispers in its ear, and the horse takes off running. About an hour later, the horse returns with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The chief smiles knowingly and offers the use of his teepee.

 

After an hour or so, the man comes out and says, "For my second request, I'd like to talk to my horse again." Just like last time, the horse is brought to him, the cowboy whispers in its ear, and the horse takes off running. It again returns an hour later, this time carrying a gorgeous red-headed woman. The chief smiles and gestures to his teepee, and the cowboy and woman go inside.

 

An hour or so later, the man comes out of the teepee and tells the chief, "Same request. I wanna talk to my horse." The horse is brought to him, and this time the cowboy raises his voice a little and says in its ear, "Listen, ya damn fool, I said POSSE!"

[death tribble]

Re: Jokes

 

No no no. You're telling it all wrong, V! Here's how it really happened:

 

Up in the wilds of Yorkshire is an old chicken farm. For many years they have had a single prize Rooster, Bill, who has sired thousands if not hundreds of thousands of chickens on the many hens who dwell there.

 

But Bill is getting a little past his prime, so they bring in a young new Rooster called Steve to help him out.

 

"Good day my boy," says Bill when he's introduced to Steve. "You understand that you've got some mighty big shoes to fill. Only the very toughest, strongest, and meanest Roosters can perform the duties required here."

 

Steve recognizes a challenge when he hears one. "I'm tougher than you'll ever be, old man!" he says, lunging at the older Rooster. Bill immediately turns and runs for dear life, with Steve chasing him all around the farm.

 

After a few minutes of this, the old farmer comes out with a shotgun and blows poor Steve to Kingdom Come. "Curse my luck!" the farmer sighs. "That's the fifth gay Rooster in a row I've bought!"

 

 

This is the Rooster and Chicken joke, not the rabbit joke. I have put it down as told on TV and written in magazines.

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

This is a true story, but it's kinda funny so I thought I'd post it here.

 

A few years ago, my grampa was getting a little senile and we decided it was best to put him in a managed care facility. We loved our grampa dearly and wanted to make sure he got the best possible care, so we did a lot of research before we finally found a place that we really liked. It had everything, full-service -- doctors and nurses on call 24 hours a day, exercise facilities, spa, activities around the clock, the whole works.

 

Some folks have been asking if this story really was true. I'm afraid that I actually exaggerated just a bit. Sorry. Here's what really happened:

 

So we had found this really nice retirement home for my grampa, and left him to settle in. A few days later I went to visit him and he was very nearly giddy with excitement. "Wow, grampa, you're really happy. What's up?" I asked him.

 

He told me, "This morning when I woke up, I had a little... uh, "morning wood." I was lying in bed thinking about it when the nurse came in with my breakfast. She took one look at the little feller, smiled, and climbed right on top of me! It was the most incredible thing I've ever experienced! I love this place so much!"

 

For the next three hours, he couldn't stop talking about it. I knew then that we'd made the right choice to put him here.

 

The next day, I went to visit him again and found him weeping uncontrollably. "Grampa, what's wrong?" I asked him. "You were so happy yesterday!"

 

Through his sobs, he told me a new story. "Yesterday after you left, I wanted to go down to the common room to talk to some of the others here. But while walking down the hallway, I tripped and fell down. A big male orderly came over but instead of helping me up, he took sexual advantage of me! I've never been so humiliated in my life!"

 

"Geez, grampa, that's terrible!" I said. "But, I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, right?"

 

"You don't understand!" he cried. "I get a woodie maybe once a month, but I fall down at least three or four times a day!"

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

PUNS INTENDED...

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?" "... Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially Inseminated This morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing To look at either.

 

10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish With no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire In the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent Tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture Of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, You've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set Of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath... This made him A super-calloused fragile mystic Hexed by halitosis.

 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

No no no. You're telling it all wrong, V! Here's how it really happened:

 

Up in the wilds of Yorkshire is an old rabbit farm. For many years they have had a single prize buck, Bill, who has sired thousands if not hundreds of thousands of rabbits on the many lady bunnies who dwell there.

 

But Bill is getting a little past his prime, so they bring in a young new buck called Steve to help him out.

 

"Good day my boy," says Bill when he's introduced to Steve. "You understand that you've got some mighty big shoes to fill. Only the very toughest, strongest, and meanest bucks can perform the duties required here."

 

Steve recognizes a challenge when he hears one. "I'm tougher than you'll ever be, old man!" he says, lunging at the older buck. Bill immediately turns and runs for dear life, with Steve chasing him all around the farm.

 

After a few minutes of this, the old farmer comes out with a shotgun and blows poor Steve to Kingdom Come. "Curse my luck!" the farmer sighs. "That's the fifth gay buck in a row I've bought!"

 

 

 

But you still got his quickening, right?

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

I'm told these are actual 911 Calls.

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1.

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No.

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.