Jokes

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

 

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he as the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

 

The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus? '

 

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

 

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the asks again, 'Have you found

Jesus yet, my brother?'

 

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

"My wife and I had an agreement that we could each pick one person and if the opportunity ever came up, we could have sex with them without repercussions. She picked Tom Cruise and I picked Cindy Crawford. After a few years I suggested that perhaps we should update them. You know, tastes change. So this time she picked Brad Pitt. And I picked our babysitter."

 

--David Feldman

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

SUNDAY CLOTHES

 

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

 

 

 

[]

 

"Hello," said the little boy

 

[]

 

"Hi," replied the little girl.

 

 

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

 

 

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"

answered the little girl.

 

 

"I'm also on my way home from church.

Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

 

 

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.

"What about you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[]

 

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,"

replied the little boy.

 

 

 

 

 

They discover that they are both going the same way

so they decided that they'd walk together.

 

 

 

 

 

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially

flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the

other side without getting wet.

 

 

 

 

 

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,"

said the little girl.

 

 

 

 

 

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"

replied the little boy.

 

 

 

 

 

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull

off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

 

 

 

 

 

"That's a good idea,"replied the little boy.

"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

 

 

 

 

[]

 

 

 

 

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting

their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry

before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!

[Cybertooth]

Re: Jokes

 

Don't know if this one's been posted before...

 

 

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

 

The man says "You have a deal Doc."

 

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

 

The doctor says "What happened"?

 

The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

 

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added

late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

 

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

 

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

 

ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

 

ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

 

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 

ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

 

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 

ANZ: 'Excuse me?'

 

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

 

ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

 

Supervisor gets on the phone:

 

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

 

ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 

ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

 

ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 

Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

 

After they get the fax:

 

ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

 

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

 

ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

 

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

 

ANZ: 'That might help.'

 

Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

 

ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 

Family Member: 'Well, what the F*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[Diamond Spear]

Re: Jokes

 

mid-life Crisis.

 

After Being Married For 44 Years, I Took A Careful Look At My

Wife One Day And Said,

 

"honey, 44 Years Ago We Had A Cheap Apartment, A Cheap Car,

Slept On A Sofa Bed, And Watched A 10-inch Black And White Tv; But I Got

To Sleep Every Night With A Hot 25-year-old Gal.

 

Now I Have A $500,000 Home, A $45,000 Car, Nice Big Bed, And

Plasma Screen Tv; But I'm Sleeping With A 65-ye Ar-old Woman. It Seems

To Me That You're Not Holding Up Your Side Of Things."

 

My Wife Is A Very Reasonable Woman. She Told Me To Go Out And

Find A Hot 25-year-old Gal, And She Would Make Sure That I Would Once

Again Be Living In A Cheap Apartment, Driving A Cheap Car, Sleeping On

A Sofa Bed, And Watching A 10-inch Black And White Tv.

 

Aren't Older Women Great? They Really Know How To Solve Your

Mid-life Crisis.

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Family Member: 'Well, what the F*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

 

Resyk!

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Why parents drink

 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main

computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

 

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

 

"May I talk with him?"

 

The child whispered, "No."

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

 

"Yes."

 

"May I talk with her?"

 

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

 

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

 

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

 

"Busy doing what?"

 

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and theFireman," came the whispered answer.

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

 

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

 

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me."

[nexus]

Re: Jokes

 

Why parents drink

 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main

computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

 

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

 

"May I talk with him?"

 

The child whispered, "No."

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

 

"Yes."

 

"May I talk with her?"

 

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

 

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

 

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

 

"Busy doing what?"

 

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and theFireman," came the whispered answer.

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

 

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

 

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me."

 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

 

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

 

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

 

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

 

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

 

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Our tax dollars hard at work.

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Can't imagine they'd be that hard at work, at his age.

[Edsel]

Roping a Deer

 

Roping A Deer

 

...Names have been removed to protect the stupid !

 

Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

 

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

 

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

 

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

 

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

 

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

 

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

 

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

 

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

 

That deer EXPLODED.

 

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

 

A deer-- no chance.

 

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

 

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

 

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

 

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

 

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

 

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

 

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

 

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

 

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

 

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

 

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

 

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by

now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

 

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

 

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is t ry to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

 

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

 

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

 

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

 

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

 

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

 

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

 

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

[slikmar]

Re: Jokes

 

That had me laughing Edsel, would rep ya, but must spread around. I hope you get out of the hospital for all that soon.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Family Member: 'Well' date=' what the F*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'[/quote']

 

Resyk!

 

A division of the Soylent group!

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

OUT OF GAS

 

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

 

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

 

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

 

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Captain Obvious]

Re: Jokes

 

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer.

 

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

 

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas

 

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

What's blue and fluffy?

 

 

Blue fluff.

 

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

What's blue and fluffy?

 

 

Blue fluff.

 

What's tall, round, and wooden?

 

 

A Log. I keed, I keed.

 

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

"It's not cool being Asian. If you're an Asian girl, you're sexy. If you're an Asian guy, you're tech support."

 

-- Steve Byrne

 

BTW, I'm Asian too.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

What's blue and fluffy?

 

 

Blue fluff.

. ROTFLMAO.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

What's brown and sticky?

 

 

A stick.

 

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Picture on the Night Stand

 

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

 

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

 

"That's me before the surgery."

 

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Proof That a Dog is Man's Best Friend

 

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open it see which one is truely happy to see you.

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

I think this one is pretty old but it's still worth a chuckle.

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

 

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

 

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

 

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

 

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

 

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

 

'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

 

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.