Cancer Posted January 25, 2022 Report Share Posted January 25, 2022 I think, "No, I have people for that." is a more accurate reply. 3 minutes ago, Logan.1179 said: Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting. Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 25, 2022 Report Share Posted January 25, 2022 But that wouldn't be a joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 25, 2022 Report Share Posted January 25, 2022 Me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia. Therapist: You might be getting carried away. Me: *firing into the ceiling* Not without a fight! Tjack and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted January 25, 2022 Report Share Posted January 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Cancer said: I think, "No, I have people for that." is a more accurate reply. It only gets the queasy face because it’s true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 26, 2022 Report Share Posted January 26, 2022 I've started saying "mucho" to my Spanish speaking friends. It means a lot to them. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted January 26, 2022 Report Share Posted January 26, 2022 A German shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat die and find themselves facing God, who asks what they believe in. The German shepherds says "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master." God says "Very good, come sit at my right side. Doberman, what do you believe?" The Doberman says "I believe in love, care, and protection of my master." God says "Very good, come sit at my left side. Cat, what do you believe?" The Cat answers "I believe you are sitting in my seat." Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 26, 2022 Report Share Posted January 26, 2022 Yeah, I'm stealing this for the Book of Face. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 26, 2022 Report Share Posted January 26, 2022 Friend: I thought you were dieting? Me: I am. Friend: You just had 3 donuts Me: But I wanted 4. See, dieting. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 27, 2022 Report Share Posted January 27, 2022 A pun walks into a room and kills ten people. Pun in, ten dead. slikmar and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 27, 2022 Report Share Posted January 27, 2022 A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered. They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 27, 2022 Report Share Posted January 27, 2022 Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? Spoiler A: Single women see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 28, 2022 Report Share Posted January 28, 2022 I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It's an oughtobiography. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted January 28, 2022 Report Share Posted January 28, 2022 as opposed to an aught-ohbiography, which reports on all the zeros and double-zeros you've had to deal with in your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted January 28, 2022 Report Share Posted January 28, 2022 8 hours ago, Logan.1179 said: A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered. They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins. Was he killed using a bow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 28, 2022 Report Share Posted January 28, 2022 10 hours ago, Logan.1179 said: A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered. They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins. 1 hour ago, Tjack said: Was he killed using a bow? I hope they find the perp and string 'em up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 28, 2022 Report Share Posted January 28, 2022 "Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 28, 2022 Report Share Posted January 28, 2022 I got a tattoo from a temporary tattoo parlor. It's been over a month and the tattoo is still there. When I went back to complain, the place was gone. slikmar and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 Logan, you survived after the situation above. You must let us know your secret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders. Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns. Only downside is politicians usually have good security. Tjack, Pariah, Ockham's Spoon and 1 other 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do... ...you know on second thought, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college. edit: Ummm, I need to make another trip. Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 Why did Gandalf get fired from Hogwarts? He kept telling each student, "You shall not pass!" Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 The teacher said, "When George Washington was a child, we hear how honest he was, admitting he cut down the cherry tree. His father immediately forgave him. Do you know why?" The student thought for a moment and replied, "Was it because Washington was still holding the axe?" Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician. "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia." Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I gotta tell you, I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 Last night I was so drunk that I took the train home. I'd never driven a train before. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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