archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 What’s the difference between Wanda Maximoff and Matt Murdoch? Matt knows how to cope without vision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 Did you know that Popeye the Sailor Man doesn't seem strong to the Swedes and the Norwegians? He is, however, strong to the Finnish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin… “The good news, is that Mr. Putin told me that he wants peace.” After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news… “A piece of Ukraine, a piece of Lithuania, a piece of Finland…” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted January 29, 2022 Report Share Posted January 29, 2022 What do you call a group of old people dressing up and play fighting in the woods? LAARPing Christougher 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 30, 2022 Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 What font is alphabet soup in? Times New Ramen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 30, 2022 Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 To drive an Electric Car, you need a current license. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 30, 2022 Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 Bad puns make me numb, but math puns make me number. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted January 30, 2022 Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 Someone told me that signing my emails with "Best" was passive-aggressive so I am changing it to "See you in hell" to eliminate any confusion. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 30, 2022 Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 Genuine aggression is always better than passive aggression. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted January 31, 2022 Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I was channel surfing and came across this one where this lady was listing all sorts of fun things to do. Then I realized it was one of those religious channels and she was reading a list of sins. slikmar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted January 31, 2022 Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 6 hours ago, Pariah said: Genuine aggression is always better than passive aggression. My mother always implied otherwise. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted January 31, 2022 Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Never have a pillow fight with Death, unless you are ready for the Reaper cushions. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted January 31, 2022 Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 10 hours ago, Bazza said: Never have a pillow fight with Death, unless you are ready for the Reaper cushions. My version is this Never have a fight with Death Tribble unless you are ready for the Reaper miniatures Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 31, 2022 Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 There are two rules in life: 1) Never give out all the information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted January 31, 2022 Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 On 1/29/2022 at 6:53 AM, archer said: Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin… “The good news, is that Mr. Putin told me that he wants peace.” After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news… “A piece of Ukraine, a piece of Lithuania, a piece of Finland…” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 1, 2022 Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 9 hours ago, death tribble said: My version is this Never have a fight with Death Tribble unless you are ready for the Reaper miniatures Thank you for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 1, 2022 Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 A lot of people got angry at me the other day for letting an elderly lady have my seat. How was I supposed to know she couldn't drive a bus? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 1, 2022 Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 Me: What's wrong? Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child. Me: Everyone does secretly. Wife: Well, it should at least be one of ours. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 1, 2022 Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. But eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is always zero. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 2, 2022 Report Share Posted February 2, 2022 Me, answering the phone: "Hello?" Them: "We have your daughter." Me: "...what are your demands?" Them: "Um, this is your daughter's school. You were supposed to pick her up fifteen minutes ago." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 2, 2022 Report Share Posted February 2, 2022 President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks and 50,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1,500,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Good mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners." Tjack, Pariah and Logan D. Hurricanes 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 2, 2022 Report Share Posted February 2, 2022 I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 4, 2022 Report Share Posted February 4, 2022 My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So, I took the battery out of the smoke alarm. Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 4, 2022 Report Share Posted February 4, 2022 Reminds me of an old Ron White bit: "My wife got to be a much better cook once she realized the smoke alarm wasn't a timer." Ockham's Spoon and mattingly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 4, 2022 Report Share Posted February 4, 2022 My wife likes cooking but for food we go to a restaurant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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