Cancer Posted February 17, 2022 Report Share Posted February 17, 2022 11 hours ago, Logan.1179 said: I changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now I have all Kenny Loggins. You are likely to end up with a big Messina. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 18, 2022 Report Share Posted February 18, 2022 Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit. That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/can't. Christougher, Pariah, Ockham's Spoon and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 18, 2022 Report Share Posted February 18, 2022 My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep. Pariah and slikmar 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 19, 2022 Report Share Posted February 19, 2022 I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 19, 2022 Report Share Posted February 19, 2022 Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting. mattingly and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 19, 2022 Report Share Posted February 19, 2022 One day a man was driving a little bit too fast when he got pulled over by a state trooper. After the usual license and registration conversation, the trooper said, "I'm at the end of my shift. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off with a warning." The man replied, "Two years ago, my ex ran off with a state trooper. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back." The state trooper tipped his cap and said, "You have a great evening, sir." slikmar and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative." L. Marcus, Cancer, death tribble and 2 others 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey. Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat announced: "Gentlemen ! You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening : Fall of Turkey Breakup of China Spillage of Greece and Frustration of Hungary ! death tribble and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said - I hear sirens. Jump! The other replied - But we are on the 13th floor. The first one yelled - This is no time to be superstitious. death tribble and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: How to tell this to my wife. Where to find a 1 year old baby. Ockham's Spoon, mattingly and death tribble 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 What's the similarity between hamsters and cigarettes? They're both harmless until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire. wcw43921 and death tribble 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try to sell this to me." So, I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said "$200, and it's yours." archer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 When the pandemic started, I began recording my classes so that students who couldn't be there in person could watch them later. This proved popular enough that I still record my lectures, even though most of the students are present in class. Things do not always go smoothly though. There were invariably technical difficulties, particularly with the microphone. So the other day I started the class by saying "I need to make sure the microphone is working. So if you can hear me, and your name is Michael, please stand up." Both my students named Michael complied, which allowed me to continue. "Thank you for helping me out. That concludes our mike check." This may come back to bite me during the student evaluations... Pariah and Tjack 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 Lucky the teacher didn’t do a mic drop at the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 I’m not so sure about this daylight savings time thing I give it six months Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 If only it were just six months.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 Or one day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 They are making the next series of The Walking Dead franchise in Greece. It’s a total zombie Acropolis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 20, 2022 Report Share Posted February 20, 2022 If your rowing boat turns upside down, you can wear it as a hat... because it's capsized. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 21, 2022 Report Share Posted February 21, 2022 When I went out for supper, I asked the waiter if he knew how they prepared their chickens. He said "Nothing special, we just tell them they're going to die." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 21, 2022 Report Share Posted February 21, 2022 Why do we call the aliens creating those huge buildings in Egypt a "conspiracy theory"? It's obviously a pyramid scheme. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 21, 2022 Report Share Posted February 21, 2022 I don't have a girlfriend... but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted February 21, 2022 Report Share Posted February 21, 2022 What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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