Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Re: Jokes I'm not... STAY OUT OF THE INFIELD! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Re: Jokes Look at Me. I can be. Center field . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yamamura Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Re: Jokes Put me in coach I am ready to play. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Re: Jokes How to catch a lion with a can of peas and a bucket of ashes in six easy steps: Dig a hole deep and wide enough to contain a lion. Empty the bucket of ashes into the hole. Open the can of peas. Evenly distribute the peas around the rim of the hole. Hide. When the lion comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Re: Jokes I've heard the same joke about polar bears... in the ice hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 Re: Jokes A man walked into a butcher's shop and said to the butcher, "I'll bet you $500 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf without a ladder." The butcher looked at the shelves, thought about it for a moment, and then said, "No bet. The steaks are too high." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 Re: Jokes A man walked into a butcher's shop and said to the butcher, "I'll bet you $500 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf without a ladder." The butcher looked at the shelves, thought about it for a moment, and then said, "No bet. The steaks are too high." I guess he didn't want a piece of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 Re: Jokes Don't forget the butcher who backed into the meat grinder, and got a little behind in his work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xavier Onassiss Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 Re: Jokes I heard that Fed-Ex and UPS are going to merge. The new company will be known as FED-UP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 Re: Jokes Don't forget the butcher who backed into the meat grinder' date=' and got a little behind in his work.[/quote'] I heard that Liberace once backed into a candelabra and burned his end at both candles.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Re: Jokes And then there was the guy who was so obsessed about erecting a statue of himself that he became a monumental bore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Re: Jokes I found this online, and it's a different take on the subject than I am used to. Pretty good, too! A shopkeeper watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop, He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back inside again. So he goes over to the dog and notices that it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 soaps and a shampoo bottle, please. The money is with the dog.” The shopkeeper looks inside the dogs mouth and to his surprise there is a 100 rupees note in his mouth. So he takes the money and puts the soap, shampoo and change in a bag, and then places it in the dogs mouth. The shopkeeper is so impressed, and since it is the closing time, he decides to follow the dog. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to the zebra crossing, he waits till the signal turns green. He walks across the road till the bus stop. He waits on the stop and looks up the timetable for the bus. The shopkeeper is totally out of his mind as the dog gets into the bus and sits on a vacant seat. The shopkeeper follow the dog. The dog waits for the conductor to come to his seat. He gives the change to the conductor and shows him the neck belt to keep the ticket. The shopkeeper is almost fainting at this sight and so are the other people in the bus. The dog then moves to the front exit of the door and waits for the bus stop to arrive, looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight he wags his tail to inform the driver to stop. Then not even waiting for the bus stop to arrive the dog jumps out and runs to the house nearby. It opens an big iron gate and rushes towards the door. As it approaches the door, he changes his mind and walks towards the garden. The dog walks up to the window and beats his head several times on the window. It then walks back to the door and waits. The shopkeeper maintaining his senses walks up to the door and watched a big guy open the door. The guy starts beating, kicking and abusing the dog. The shopkeeper is surprised and runs to stop the guy. the shopkeeper questions the guy “What in the heaven are you doing? The dog is a genius he could be famous in life.” The guy responds “You call this clever? This is the 3rd time in this week that the dog has forgotten the door keys.” The moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations… But will always fall short of the bosses expectation… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes The Oldest Profession A surgeon, an architect, and a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest. The surgeon says, "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve, and you can't go back further than that." The architect says, "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in seven days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says, "Gentlemen, gentlemen -- who do you think created the CHAOS?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes The Oldest Profession A surgeon, an architect, and a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest. The surgeon says, "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve, and you can't go back further than that." The architect says, "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in seven days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says, "Gentlemen, gentlemen -- who do you think created the CHAOS?" Actually the oldest profession is well, look up the Ancient Egyptian creation myth -- self-pleasure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you hear they are opening a new line of Elvis themed steak Houses? It's for people who love meat tender Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes Did you hear they are opening a new line of Elvis themed steak Houses? It's for people who love meat tender They serve venison there, too. Love meat tender, Love meat deer... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austenandrews Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes Actually the oldest profession is well' date=' look up the Ancient Egyptian creation myth -- self-pleasure.[/quote'] That's a profession? Boy, talk about missing my calling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes Well you have to pay yourself... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 Re: Jokes Well you have to pay yourself... *facepalm* ...And all these years I've been doing it for free? I could've been a millionaire by now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes What's the difference between a noble mounted warrior and an Algerian governor? It's knight and dey Lucius Alexander you knew there'd be a palindromedary here didn't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes Q - What's the difference between a barber in ancient Rome and Sean Hannity? A - One's a shaving Roman, the other's a raving showman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes Warning: This is possibly the stupidest joke I've ever heard. You have been warned. What did Tarzan say when he looked over the hill and saw the elephants coming? "Here come the elephants!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: Because all those men already have boyfriends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? " The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars? " The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? " The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch. " A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already? " he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 9, 2010 Report Share Posted April 9, 2010 Re: Jokes A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny? " She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle! " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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