Jokes

[Bazza]

Oooo…therms fighting words. Helvetics is a celebrity and has appeared in a feature film. 

[Bazza]

Woman: Oh my god, look at that drunk guy.

Man: Who is he?

Woman: 10 years back he proposed to me, and I rejected him.

Man: Oh I see, he's still celebrating.

[Pariah]

What does an algebra class have in common with a parrot that won't eat?

 

Polly no meals.

[Pariah]

One day the starship Enterprise is flying through space when it is struck by a surprise attack.

 

Riker: "What the Hell just happened?"

 

Data: "Sensors indicate that we have been attacked by a vessel from the planet Omega 3."

 

Picard: "Damage report."

 

Worf: "Checking. Captain, the damage appears to be super fish oil." 

[Bazza]

Space whales! 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for "Tyrannosaurus Shirt."

 

 

Because of the short arms.

[Pariah]

I've been working on a new theory involving inertia, but I just don't seem to be getting anywhere with it.

[Bazza]

Have you tried renaming it to “the law of resistance” and publishing it? 

[Pariah]

The adjective for metal is metallic. But not for iron, which is ironic. 

[Ockham's Spoon]

There are two types of people in this world:

1. Those who can extrapolate from insufficient data

[Bazza]

And those who tell redundant jokes. 

[BoloOfEarth]

8 hours ago, Ockham's Spoon said:

There are two types of people in this world:

1. Those who can extrapolate from insufficient data

 

7 hours ago, Bazza said:

And those who tell redundant jokes. 

 

By the way, did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

[Bazza]

Do, but I did hear about one called Dharma. 

[Christougher]

5 hours ago, Bazza said:

Do, but I did hear about one called Dharma. 

 

Your waiter is named Greg?

[Pariah]

The Denver Broncos.

[L. Marcus]

Korma Chameleon.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I'm at the research library looking up obscure baked egg dishes.

 

That's right, I'm looking at niche quiche on microfiche.

[Bazza]

Is the collective noun for rapid antigen tests…a plague? 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

An old man crashed his car into a very
expensive automobile. The owner of the
expensive automobile jumps out and confronts
the old man and says, "Give me $10,000 cash or
I will beat you to a pulp!"

 

The old man replies, "Woah wait buddy, I don't
have that much money but let me call my son,
he trains dolphins."

The old man dials his son as he is about to

speak the owner of the expensive car yanks
the phone out of his hand and says, "So you
train dolphins, well your old man just hit and
damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I'm
gonna beat the heck outta him and you!"

 

The son answers, "Okay, give me 15 minutes and

I'll be there." In exactly 15 minutes, the son 
pulls up in a Jeep, ten men jump out and beat
the heck out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and
says, "Dad, I train Navy Seals not dolphins."

[Pariah]

Roses are red

Roses are blue

Depending on their velocity

Relative to you

[Bazza]

I’m reminded of a joke that is way too funny and can’t share it. Sorry. 

[mattingly]

Today I crossed the road, changed a lightbulb, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.

 

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

[Pariah]

Detective: "I'm looking for a man with one eye."

 

Me: "I'm not here to tell you how to do your job, but you'll probably find him faster if you use both eyes."

[Ockham's Spoon]

Him: (climbing into bed) "Move over!"

 

Her: "You're drunk!"

 

Him: "Oh? How do you know?"

 

Her: "You live next door!"