Jokes

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, "You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now you take the larger one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more." "Nonsense," replied Fred. "You cook better now!"

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

...Then Fred slept on the couch.

[slikmar]

Re: Jokes

 

Little Harold was hopping on one foot then the other.

 

"I gotta piss! I gotta piss!", he cried to his mother in front of her friends.

 

Mother took him to the toilet and explained to him that next time he wanted to go to the toilet, he should not use those words. She said he should come in and talk quietly - "That's a whisper" she said.

 

Two hours later, Harold came rushing in again.

 

"I wanna whisper! I wanna whisper!", he said.

 

His mother knew what he wanted and took him to the toilet, after which he was rewarded with a candy bar.

 

That night the urge came on again. Harold jumped out of bed and ran to his father.

 

"What is it, son?", his father asked.

 

"I wanna whisper, Daddy. I wanna whisper."

 

"O.K. son, come here and whisper in my ear."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

An apocryphal list of ‘true’ stories…

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs...and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer

are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a

Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three

wishes in total" says the Genie.

 

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the

land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the

Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

 

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around

Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,

Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around

those countries.

 

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about

this wall."

 

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and

completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's

virtually impenetrable."

 

The Aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it

with water........."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Husband: Oh, come on.

 

Wife: Leave me alone!

 

Husband: It won't take long.

 

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

 

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

 

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

 

Husband: Because I'm hot.

 

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

 

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

 

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

 

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

 

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

 

Husband: Please...come on.

 

Wife: Alright, I'll do it.

 

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

 

Wife: I can't find it.

 

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

 

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

 

Husband: Oh, yes.

 

Wife: Is it up far enough?

 

Husband: Oh, that's good.

 

Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[CrosshairCollie]

Re: Jokes

 

A pirate walks into a bar. The first thing the bartender notices is that the pirate has a ship's wheel shoved down the front of his pants.

 

"Geez," asks the bartender, "isn't that uncomfortable?"

 

"Aye," responds the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A new store opened in New york city where women may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch... You may choose any man from a particular floor or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

 

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

 

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are

extremely good looking.

"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead

good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead

gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!

*snort*

 

Nah, I think it just proves that men who have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, have a strong romantic streak and who are INTERESTING don't exist!

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

The Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate.

1.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

*snort*

 

Nah, I think it just proves that men who have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, have a strong romantic streak and who are INTERESTING don't exist!

 

They're married to the women who don't go shopping constantly, love their in-laws, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, do housework without complaints, don't expect continuous gifts and fawning from their husbands, and are INTERESTING.

 

I think they all live on the same block with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and all the honest politicians.

 

[austenandrews]

Re: Jokes

 

They're married to the women who don't go shopping constantly, love their in-laws, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, do housework without complaints, don't expect continuous gifts and fawning from their husbands, and are INTERESTING.

 

I think they all live on the same block with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and all the honest politicians.

 

They could learn something from Santa and the Easter Bunny. At least those guys show up sometimes.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A man's wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear." Worried he'd make the wrong choice, he asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?" She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"

 

 

As the radical feminist stood on the bus, a man beside her started to stand up. She angrily thought, "Another pig retaining the customs of patriarchal society by offering a poor defenseless woman his seat!" and shoved him back down. A few seconds later he rose again, but again she refused to let him stand. As he tried to stand for the third time, he meekly said, "Lady, would you please let me stand up? I'm already a mile past my stop!"

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

Conspiracy buffs Bob and Fred die in a car crash. They arise to the Pearly Gates, and after a brief background check are admitted to Heaven.

 

Their first act is to ask to meet with God Himself so they can get a few questions answered. Their request granted, they are ushered into His Divine Presense where the Almighty asks them: "What would you like to know, My Children?" Bob immediately asks, "Lord, all our lives we've wanted to know: who was REALLY behind the Kennedy assassination?"

 

God sighs, somewhat sadly, and replies: "Everyone asks that. The Truth is that John F. Kennedy was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald. Oswald acted alone. There was no second gunman, no conspiracy, and no government cover up. Does that answer your question?"

 

Bob and Fred thank The Almighty, and turn to go. As they pass out of God's presense, Fred leans over to Bob and whispers "It's even bigger than we thought!"

 

Edit: Forgot the acknowledgement -- I got this joke from author Vincent Bugliosi in an interview talking about his new book on the Kennedy assasination called Reclaiming History.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

 

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

 

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

 

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

Ah, those were the days. :wistful sigh:

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

A comment in the Fixing the Federal Government thread reminded me of a quip Gerald "Major Dad" McRainey made during a USO visit to Somalia back in 1992. McRainey mentioned he had a brother (IIRC) who worked at the Pentagon. Someone asked "How many people work at the Pentagon?" Without a pause, McRainey deadpanned: "About half of them."

[NestorDRod]

Re: Jokes

 

Hah!

 

That reminds me of an old govie joke that made the rounds a good number of years ago...

 

Three kids are sitting around bragging about their fathers.

 

The first one says, "My Dad is so fast he can play tennis all by himself!"

 

The second one proclaims, "Well, my Dad is so fast he can shoot an arrow and catch it before it hits the target!"

 

The third one scoffs at the other two and says with pride. "My Dad works for the government. He can leave work at 5 PM and get home by 3:30."

 

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

My friends' 9-year-old son has just started watching Babylon 5, and came up with this one out of the blue the other day:

 

Why are Vorlons so afraid of taking risks?

 

Because they're all Koshes. (Say it outloud it you don't get it.)

 

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

My friends' 9-year-old son has just started watching Babylon 5, and came up with this one out of the blue the other day:

 

Why are Vorlons so afraid of taking risks?

 

Because they're all Koshes. (Say it outloud it you don't get it.)

 

You, sir, have a genius for a child.

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

You' date=' sir, have a genius for a child. [/quote']

Actually, he's my friends' kid, not mine; but I'll pass on the compliment!

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

A: Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.

 

I used to drive a Heisenbergmobile, but every time I looked at the speedometer I got lost.

 

Yeah, it was time for a new sig line.

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

What did the elephant say to the nekkid man?

 

 

"Cute. But how do you breathe out of it?"

 

 

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

The worst foursome in the history of golf: Heidi Fleiss, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. Why?

 

1. Heidi's a hooker.

2. O.J.'s a slicer.

3. Ted can't drive over water.

4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last.

 

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

 

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

 

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

 

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

 

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

 

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

 

 

The Aussie said "One."

 

 

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

 

 

How much was the sale for?

 

 

" ....... £124,237.64"

 

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64 What the hell did you sell him?"

 

 

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

 

 

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

 

 

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

 

 

"Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."