alexraccoon Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 Re: Jokes A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE arewe going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt." USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 Re: Jokes A man is having an affair with his bosses' wife. They are together in an afternoon tryst and making passionate love. In the throws of lovemaking she screams to him "Kiss me! Kiss me!" He stops a moment and says very seriously, "I shouldn't even be doing this!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 Re: Jokes Joe and Bob are doing some landscaping work when their boss walks up to them. "I have some things to do," he says, "so I'm taking off early. I'm trusting that you two will continue working until your eight hours are up." So he leaves, and the two men continue working for a while. Then, Bob says, "Hey, Joe, why don't we cut out of here an hour early? The boss won't know." Joe agrees and they take off, each for his respective home. When Joe pulls up in his driveway, however, he hears strange noises coming from the house. Sneaking up, Joe peers in the window and sees his boss making passionate love to his wife. Completely distraught, he runs away. The next day, Joe and Bob are back at work when the boss again says he's leaving early. After he's gone, Bob asks, "So, want to take off an hour early again today?" "No way!" Joe says. "That tricky bast*rd almost caught me yesterday!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigdamnhero Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 Re: Jokes Don't know if this actually happened or not, but it's funny either way. Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil." Edit: As I suspected, according to Snopes.com this never actually happened. Still a funny joke tho IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Re: Jokes Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 Re: Jokes "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!" You know you're going to Heck for that joke, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 Re: Jokes You know you're going to Heck for that joke' date=' right? [/quote'] At least I won't be lonely. I'll know everyone there! ^ v ^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Re: Jokes A new intern is studying at a center for Sexual Disorders. He's thinking he hit the clinical jackpot. On his first day he is shown around the facility and he sees a man masturbating in the hall. A little disconcerted he askes the Doctor giving him the tour what is up. "That man has accute seminal buildup. If he doesn't "get relief" 20-40 times a day he actually could go into a coma." The intern scribbles this down in his book and they continue. After lunch they are walking down another hall and he sees another patient, with his pants around his ankles being ..er, "Serviced" by a beautiful young nurse. He tries to ignore it but finally points to them and asks, "What about that guy?" The Doctor looks over and says, "Oh he has the same thing, just better insurance." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted February 11, 2007 Report Share Posted February 11, 2007 Re: Jokes Another pun . . . The Bungling Brothers Circus was touring Europe with their prize comedy act, a flock of large flightless African birds trained to ride a moving staircase. However, as they unpacked their tents after reaching Warsaw, they found that the birds' tent had been damaged beyond use. They decided to rent a replacement locally, but found when they went to make a deal for the rental that a language barrier was making it impossible to close the deal. So they did the logical thing... They sent for a Pole lease negotiator to cover an escalating ostrich situation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Re: Jokes NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that e liminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that t reats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexraccoon Posted February 16, 2007 Report Share Posted February 16, 2007 Re: Jokes New Drugs for men With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. (This is making the rounds.) DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks--especially cleaning up spills and little accidents. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors. LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted February 19, 2007 Report Share Posted February 19, 2007 More pun fun! ^ v ^ It seems that a group of explorers stumbled upon an island in the Caribbean that had been a base for a band of pirates. Near as the explorers could tell, the pirates had been forced to abandon the place because they were driven away by the island's natives, who worshiped a strange god that looked like an eyeless giant who held an eye over his head in both hands. The god was depicted as riding a giant bumblebee as he used his eye to watch over his followers. To the explorers' astonishment, when they investigated a temple at the island's highest point, they found not only a huge cache of pirate treasure, but a giant mechanical bumblembee the size of a schoolbus, capable of flight! They loaded the treasure into the giant artificial insect to transport it back to their boat, but before they could learn to operate it, to their dismay the islanders appeared and started climbing toward the temple, yelling and brandishing their weapons. The explorers were forced to flee with nothing. When they returned to their boat and cast off just in the nick of time, the boat's captain (who'd stayed with the boat) said, "Where's all that treasure you radioed me about?" One of the explorers said, "The booty is in the bee of the eye-holder." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted February 19, 2007 Report Share Posted February 19, 2007 Re: Jokes OwHaHaOwHaHaOwHaHa. That was bad. So bad it was good... in it's badness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
input.jack Posted February 19, 2007 Report Share Posted February 19, 2007 Re: Jokes My brain....my poor poor brain..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted February 19, 2007 Report Share Posted February 19, 2007 Re: Jokes Sorry, guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted February 20, 2007 Report Share Posted February 20, 2007 Re: Jokes >> >> TOP BUMPER STICKERS >> >> 1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. >> 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. >> 3. If You Drink Don't Park - Accidents Cause People. >> 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? >> 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. >> 6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. >> 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. >> 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. >> 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. >> 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. >> 11. If At First You Don't Succeed, blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. >> 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings" >> 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. >> 14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. >> 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. >> 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. >> 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me >> 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home >> 19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha >> 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me >> 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time >> 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult >> 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? >> 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name >> 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway >> 26. Illiterate? Write For Help >> 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off >> 28. Cover Me; I'm Changing Lanes >> 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit >> 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person >> 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! >> 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To >> 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? >> 37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... >> 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! >> 39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] >> 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. >> 41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] >> 42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? >> 43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. >> 44. Ax Me About Ebonics >> 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel >> 46. Boldly Going Nowhere >> 47. Cat: The Other White Meat >> 48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! >> 49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That >> 50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends >> 51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window >> 52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? >> 53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. >> 54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch >> 55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! >> 56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. >> 57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. >> 58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. >> 59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. >> 60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. >> 61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. >> 62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. >> 63. So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious. >> 64. I need someone really bad... Are you really bad? >> 65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted February 23, 2007 Report Share Posted February 23, 2007 Re: Jokes Because it's more fun if you have to work for it. ^ v ^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexraccoon Posted February 26, 2007 Report Share Posted February 26, 2007 Re: Jokes All five country churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexraccoon Posted February 27, 2007 Report Share Posted February 27, 2007 Re: Jokes The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted March 8, 2007 Report Share Posted March 8, 2007 Re: Jokes An apology in advance for these tasteless, sexist jokes. A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled Hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Chr*st!" he says "are you that strip o gram from my stag night that I sha**ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?" "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher." ------------------------------------------------- 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. -------------------------------------------------- THE LONELY BRAIN CELL Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. "We're down here ..." ------------------------- And lastly, a pun: "The stories of train campaigning will grow with each retelling. A few political veterans recall Tom Dewey's blurting into an open mike when his train lurched backward that he must have 'a lunatic engineer.' [Dewey was highly critized for this gaffe] The New York Times's Scotty Reston ended his account of that particular incident with this line: "And then the train took off with a jerk.'" From here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Mhoram Posted March 9, 2007 Report Share Posted March 9, 2007 Re: Jokes Stolen Shamelessly from Spider Robinson - There was a forest culture that worrishipped a bear as a god, a truly giant and huge bear. And the greatest honor was to be chosen as a knight for the bear - an applicant would go through rigourous testing and training before he came before the great bear to offer himself. The training was so great because if the great bear decided against the applicant, with one strike of his mighty paw, he would decapitate the applicant. In recognition of the time spent in training the family of the failed applicant would be gifted a hound from the bears personal stock of hunting hounds.... because it is said that for the mourning after a terrible knight nothing is better than the dog of the bear that hit you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexraccoon Posted March 13, 2007 Report Share Posted March 13, 2007 Re: Jokes The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 1) you have a dirty mind, 2) you didn't read your homework, and 3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
input.jack Posted March 13, 2007 Report Share Posted March 13, 2007 Re: Jokes *Lmao!* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edsel Posted March 21, 2007 Report Share Posted March 21, 2007 Re: Jokes "Fishing Mirror" A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does." "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it." "Well, okay." After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth," he said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted March 21, 2007 Report Share Posted March 21, 2007 Re: Jokes Apologize in advance for this one: Q) What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A) Full Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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