Jokes

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

Hopefully this won't offend anyone.

 

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

 

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Bitch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

 

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

 

MEN'S ENGLISH

 

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

 

And finally..... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[Guest Iconoclast]

Re: Jokes

 

Cheny is talking over the situation in Iraq with Bush, and has usual it's nothing but bad news.

 

Finally W bangs his fist on the table, giving Cheney a minor heart attack, and says "XXXX it, Dick. I'm sick and tired of all this bad news. You're s'posed to be the brains of this team, this time tomorrow I wanna hear some GOOD news about Iraq!"

 

Well, Cheney, after recovering from his minor heart attack, gets on the phone and tharts calling all U.S. allies and putting real pressure on them, with little luck.

 

Next day's briefing rolls around and Cheney says "Well, sir, I've got a little good news for you. I've arranged for 200 Brazilian troops to join us in Iraq."

 

Bush lights up and says "Wow, that's great, Dick. Say, I was never any good at math, how many is a brazillion?"

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

 

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency,

was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients

when she ran out of gas.

 

As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just

a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas

can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the

only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she

could wait until it was returned.

 

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient,

she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She

looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas

and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient..

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to

the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full

bedpan back to her car.

 

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists

watched from across the street. One of them turned to the

other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

A man rushes to his psychiatrist's office one day. "Doc," he cries, "you've got to help me."

 

"What seems to be the problem?"

 

"For the last couple of weeks, every time I've been introduced to someone, I just blurt out, 'What's new, pussycat?' I can't help myself!"

 

"Hmmm...it seems you've developed a disorder known as Tom Jones Syndrome."

 

"'Tom Jones Syndrome'? I've never heard of it. Is it rare?"

 

"Well," the psychiatrist says, "It's not unusual...."

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

 

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

 

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

 

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

 

The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

 

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

 

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

 

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

 

(Are you ready for this?)

 

(Are you sure?)

 

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

 

(Last chance)

 

(OK, here it is)

 

It says, "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

 

Happy Easter!!!

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

With chocolate bunny coming up, I thought of a favorite routine from Emo...

 

I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?" I said, "Ah, yes and no."

 

She sends me to the principal, and I get to his office and I sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "How would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "Well, I don't know if I could do it exactly, uh, but I'll try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo!" He said, "Emo, you have to go over to the school psychologist." I said, "Why do I have to go to the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition.

 

And I go over to the psychologist, and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Oh, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something, so don't be embarrassed. Tell me what the inkblot looks like to you." I said, "Well, to me it looks like standard pattern #3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he gets kind of depressed. I said, "Okay, it's a butterfly." And he cheers up. He said, "What does this inkblot look like?" I said, "It looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of man into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said, "No, um, the inkblot's over there. That's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh," I said, "was I far off?" He said, "No. That's the sad part."

 

And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny. And this shows how tricky those guys are. I eat the chocolate and I think, wait a second... this isn't around Easter. "Was this a test?" He said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Well, had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal; had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies; and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." I said, "Well, go on. What does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream, 'Stop staring at me!'?'" He says, "It shows you've a tendency towards self-destruction." I said, "What do you recommend?" He says, "Go for it!"

[Edsel]

Re: Jokes

 

FEMALE COMPASSION...

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear, 'Have you ever been f****d?'

The fellow looked up in amazement and said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

The other day i went into town to shop at Woolworths, i was only there for about 5 minutes. When i came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So i called him another name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first, then started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more i abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally i didn't care, i came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that i'm retired. It's important at my age.

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

A pirate is on his ship, with his First Mate standing next to him. As they look out on the sea, another ship appears on the horizon. The Pirate looks at his First Mate and says: "Get me Red Shirt from me locker!" The First Mate gets the shirt, the Pirate puts it on, they attack the other ship and plunder it.

 

The Pirate removes the shirt, and the First Mate puts it back in it's locker. Later, as they look out on the sea, two ships appear on the horizon. The Pirate looks at his First Mate and says: "Get me Red Shirt from me locker!" The First Mate gets the shirt, the Pirate puts it on, they attack the ships and plunder them.

 

The First Mate asks the Pirate: "Why do you put on that Red Shirt to attack?" The Pirate replies: "It's so me crew doesn't loose confidence. If I get hurt and bleed, they won't know." Just then, they look up and see twenty boats on the horizon. The First Mate smiles and asks: "Do you want me to get your Red Shirt?" The Pirate replies: "No, get my Brown Pants!"

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

A man sat down in a restaurant and asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, "Boiled tongue."

 

"Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer, "There is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came out of a cows mouth! That's disgusting!

 

Give me three fried eggs, instead!"

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Gravedigger: I could swear I heard tapping from inside that coffin!

 

Caretaker: Don't worry about it. He's definately dead.

 

Gravedigger: There it is again! And it is in a pattern -- a code!

 

Caretaker: He's dead, there's no two ways about it.

 

Gravedigger: How can you be so sure?

 

Caretaker: I know Morose Code.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord."

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impressario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes.

When he finishes, the whole place goes wild.

But the little old man jumps up again and shouts "no, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.

"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

Well and truly fuming that this little guy doesnt' seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage, "ok smartie pants, you get up here and do it."

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord, to say a ruv you..."

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks "Oh, me boys, someone's got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws.

Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares "You're husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead," says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

[AliceTheOwl]

Cat Haiku

 

Cat Haiku

 

You never feed me.

Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.

That will sure show you.

 

You must scratch me there!

Yes, above my tail! Behold,

elevator butt.

 

The rule for today:

touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow.

 

Grace personified.

I leap into the window.

I meant to do that.

 

Wanna go outside.

Oh no! Help! I got outside!

Let me back inside!

 

Blur of motion, then-

silence, me. A paper bag.

What is so funny?

 

You're always typing.

Well, let's see you ignore my

sitting on your hands.

 

My small cardboard box.

You cannot see me if I

can hide just my head.

 

Terrible battle.

I fought for hours. Come and see!

What's a "term paper?"

 

Small brave carnivores

kill pine cones and mosquitos

Fear vacuum cleaner

 

I want to be close

to you. Can I fit my head

inside your armpit?

 

Oh no! Big one has

been trapped by newspaper!

Cat to the rescue!

 

Cats meow out of angst

"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!

We could break so much."

 

The Big Ones snore now.

Every room is dark and cold.

Time for "Cup Hockey."

 

We're almost equals.

I purr to show I love you.

Want to smell my butt?

[nexus]

Re: Cat Haiku

 

Cat Haiku

 

*snip*

 

 

That was some of funniest stuff I've read today (and I got my bank statement today so there was stiff competition). Thanks for posting them

 

Did you write those yourself?

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Cat Haiku

 

Oh, certainly not. There's an icon of them circulating around. I typed them up off of that. I'd considered posting the icon, but didn't know if it would rotate here, and figured people would probably be just as irritated as I was at the refresh rate.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

"Do you really love me, or do you just want my body?"

 

"I guess I must really love you because I don't like abstract art."

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

One Little Letter

 

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

 

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

 

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

 

The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?

 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

A Scotsman, visiting the US, is in Detroit and goes to his first baseball game. He's never even seen baseball played before, so it's a very new and exciting experience for him.

 

At one point, a batter hits a grounder and dashes to first base. Everybody around the Scotsman jumps up, screaming, "Run! Run!" and the Scotsman shrugs. When in Rome, he thinks, and stands up to shout, "Run, ye fool! Run!!!"

 

This being a Tigers game, it takes a while before the next guy gets on base, and he gets there by a walk. As the batter tosses aside his bat and jogs toward first, the Scotsman stands and screams, "RUN, YE BLOODY FOOL! RUN!!!"

 

The woman next to the Scotsman tugs on his sleeve and says, "He doesn't have to run. He got four balls."

 

The Scotsman is stunned at first at this news, but recovers quickly and shouts, "WALK WI' PRIDE, MAN! WALK WI' PRIDE!!!"

[Hermit]

Re: Jokes

 

Hopefully any Canadians and UKers will forgive me for this one, but I thought it was funny at the time:)

 

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

 

The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

 

The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown and country."

 

The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

 

The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

[Comic]

Re: Jokes

 

Please, everyone who can, rep Hermit for me.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

A woman comes home and opens the fridge to find a rabbit sitting in it.

 

She asks "What are you doing in my fridge?"

 

The rabbit replies, "Is this a Westinghouse?"

 

"What?" asks the bemused woman.

 

"This refrigerator, is it a Westinghouse?" Repeats the rabbit.

 

The woman closes the door and looks at the badge, sure enough it is a Westinghouse.

 

She opens the door and says to the rabbit, "Yes this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, now what are you doing in my fridge?"

 

The rabbit looks at her and says "Westing."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

A man dies and finds himself in teh line for final judgment. As he waits he see the sous in front of him either being passed thru the Pearly Gates or send to Satan to be thrown into the Lake of Fire.

 

He notices that as Satan sometimes throws a soul into a pile on the side, instead of into the Lake. Seeing as he still has a long wait beofre his judgement, he decides to ask.

 

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness, Sir. But why are you throwing those souls over to one side?"

 

Satan replied, "Oh! Those souls are from Missouri. They are to wet to burn."

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Please' date=' everyone who can, rep Hermit for me.[/quote']

 

We have a dedicated thread for this you know. Repped.

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

We have a dedicated thread for this you know. Repped.

 

There's an entire thread dedicated to repping Hermit? Wow, those moderator powers really have gone to his head...