archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 Most people would say atheism isn't the best business model... because it's inherently a non-prophet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 I thought about becoming an atheist, but there aren't enough holidays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 Why is it so hard to surprise Darth Vader at Christmas? Because he can feel your presents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says, "What's his name?" Mick replies, "Miles, from London." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I was really excited until her friend explained, "She meant 666-3629." BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 Did you hear the title of the latest Harrison Ford thriller about Covid times? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Zoom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living... Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us? Duke Bushido and Christougher 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 16 hours ago, archer said: (Keep in mind that it's not written in stone that blonde jokes have to be about women. Equal opportunity and all that...) In that same vein... A blonde guy walks into a hardware store and says he wants to buy some 2x4s. The store worker asked, "How long do you want them?" The blonde guy thinks for a moment, and then says, "I'll want them for a couple of years at least. I'm building a shed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 Ever wondered why blonde girls tend to have bruises around the navel? Blond guys aren't that clever, either. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 3, 2020 Report Share Posted November 3, 2020 I ran over 2 Miles yesterday. Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 4, 2020 Report Share Posted November 4, 2020 Our country's future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 5, 2020 Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 Them: "Let's say you were offered a million dollars, but the person you hated most in the world got two million dollars. Would you do it?" Me: "Of course. Why wouldn't I want three million dollars?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 5, 2020 Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 A woman finds an old brass oil lamp, rubs some grime off, and a genie pops out. "I'm required to grant you three wishes," he says, "but I'm rather irritable after being trapped in that lamp for hundreds of years, so whatever you wish for, I'm going to give double that to your ex-husband." "That jerk!" says the lady. "He cheated on me and left me for a younger woman! I don't want him to get anything!" The genie smiled. "Nonetheless, that is the deal. He gets double what you get." "Fine," huffs the woman. "For my first wish, I wish I had ten million dollars." "As you wish," says the genie, "And your ex now has twenty million dollars." "I wish I had a private island where I could live, with a mansion and dock for my yacht and all the amenities - electricity, clean water, satellite internet access, the works." "No problem, says the genie. "Your ex now has two private islands. And your last wish?" The woman smiles. "I wish you would scare me half to death." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted November 5, 2020 Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 She should ahve wished to be pregnant with twins. Starlord, mattingly and BoloOfEarth 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 5, 2020 Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 45 minutes ago, Cancer said: She should ahve wished to be pregnant with twins. I'll have to use that as the punchline the next time I tell that joke. 🤣 Cancer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted November 5, 2020 Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 Another genie joke... Guy walks into a bar and sees a fellow sitting at the far end. On the bar next to him is a tiny little man playing a tiny little piano. On top of the piano is an old lamp. Intrigued, he goes over an asks what's up with the miniature piano player. The fellow sitting at the bar says "Well, if you rub the lamp, a genie will come out and grant you a wish." The guy says "Really? Can I try it?" The other man nods, so the guy grabs the lamp and rubs it. A genie comes out in a cloud of smoke and says "I will now grant you a wish" The guy says "I wish for a million bucks!" and suddenly the bar is packed with ducks of all sorts, quacking and flapping wildly. After several minutes the ducks have mostly cleared out, leaving behind quite a mess and one very confused guy. "What the heck?" The fellow at the bar says "You didn't give me a chance to tell you. The genie is hard of hearing. You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 5, 2020 Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 (I thought this was posted here before, but I can't find it with a quick search, so I'll go ahead and post it. My apologies if this is a repeat.) An American is golfing in Ireland when he slices a drive into the woods. Searching for his ball, he discovers that he accidentally beaned a leprechaun, knocking the wee chap unconscious. He picks up the leprechaun, who wakes up and begins bemoaning his fate. "Oh, no, ye caught me! I either have to give you me gold, or grant ye three wishes!" The American shakes his head. "I don't want anything from you. I feel bad because I knocked you out, and just wanted to make sure you're all right." He sets the leprechaun down. The leprechaun says, "No, ye caught me fair and square, I've got ta give you me gold or grant ye three wishes." "No, sir, you don't owe me anything," says the man. "I'm sorry that my golf ball hit you, but I'm glad to see you're all right." He picks up his golf ball and heads back to the green. The leprechaun says to himself, "Well, that's a right fine fellow, that is! I think I'll grant him three wishes anyway. Hmmm... He's a golfer, so I'll grant him great golfing skills. (snaps his fingers) And everyone needs money, so I'll grant him all the money he needs. (snaps his fingers again) And he's a man, so I'll grant him a good sex life." (snaps his fingers a third time) A year passes, and the American returns to Ireland and is golfing the same course when he slices his ball into the woods. Going in, he sees the leprechaun sitting on a log. "Aye, ye missed me this time!" chuckles the leprechaun. The American smiles. "I'm glad of that. How are you doing?" The leprechaun responds, "I'm doing right fine. And yerself?" He smiles mischievously. "How goes the golf game?" "I've improved so much over the past year," replies the man. "Why, I think I could even go pro if I wanted." "I did that for ye," says the leprechaun with a laugh. "And how's the money situation?" ""It's amazing, I reach into my pockets and always find $100 bills!" He pauses. "I'll bet you did that for me, too." "Aye, I did," says the leprechaun. He leers slightly and says, "And how goes it with the ladies?" The man blushes. "One, sometimes two a week." "One or two a week?! That's it?" sputters the surprised leprechaun. "Well," says the man, "I am a priest in a small parish..." Logan D. Hurricanes, Ockham's Spoon, wcw43921 and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 6, 2020 Report Share Posted November 6, 2020 I had my patience tested...I’m negative. Christougher and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 6, 2020 Report Share Posted November 6, 2020 You find it offensive? ...I find it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you. Duke Bushido and slikmar 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duke Bushido Posted November 6, 2020 Report Share Posted November 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Bazza said: You find it offensive? ...I find it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you. That's not even a joke. That's something I have to explain to people fairly regularly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then… …let my cat do the rest. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 When I get mad I often rip my drawings apart… Maybe I shouldn’t have become a tattoo artist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says “How the hell did you do that?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 95% of people are completely STUPID. Luckily, I’m in the other 10%. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 8, 2020 Report Share Posted November 8, 2020 I live with fear and danger every day... but sometimes she lets me go fishing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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