Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 18, 2020 Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy. Pariah and Christougher 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 18, 2020 Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 Midwives deserve a lot of respect. They really help people out. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 18, 2020 Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word. I can’t tell you how angry I am at this. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 18, 2020 Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 1 hour ago, Logan.1179 said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy. This might be the worst joke I have ever heard. If you don't post it on Facebook, I will. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 The higher you go, the less laughter there is. Seems very 2020esque. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 In a restaurant tonight I ordered some fried potatoes. But the server misunderstood me, and brought me Freud potatoes instead. The good news is they taste just like Mother used to make them. mattingly and Logan D. Hurricanes 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Slapstick rates higher than irony? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 1 hour ago, tkdguy said: Slapstick rates higher than irony? Ironic isn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 6 hours ago, Pariah said: Freud potatoes Tell me about your peelings. Pariah, Christougher and BoloOfEarth 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, mattingly said: Tell me about your peelings. Peelings... Nothing more than...peelings Trying to forget those Peelings of love! Peelings!!! Whoa, whoa, whoa, peelings! Whoa, whoa, whoa, peelings! Peelings of love! wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be trustworthy so she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes. On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says: Thank you for saving me, here is your new car. – Your mother-in-law The next day the woman tries to do the same walk with her other son-in-law. She again pretends to slip and falls into the water. The second son-in-law immediately jumps after her. The next day there is new Mercedes parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says: Thank you for saving me, here is your new car. – Your mother-in-law The day after the woman goes again on a walk but with her third son-in-law. Again she slips and falls into the water. The third son-in-law looks left, looks right, and sees nobody. So he continues to walk. The next day there is a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says: Thank you for saving me, here is your new car. – Your father-in-law Christougher and BoloOfEarth 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out preemptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Out of all the inventions in the past 100 years, which one was the most remarkable? The dry erase board. Ockham's Spoon and BoloOfEarth 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth. As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face. "Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked. "Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is intersex." "Intersex?" the woman asked with some confusion. "Yes," the doctor replied. "It's what we used to call a hermaphrodite. It means your baby has characteristics of both sexes." The woman gasped loudly. "You mean my baby has male parts AND a brain?" Ockham's Spoon and BoloOfEarth 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven. He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there." Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?" Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall. Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.' However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree. 'Hebrew is read from right to left,' he explained. 'The symbols say: "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 What does The Thing say when he needs his shoes mended? IT'S COBBLERIN' TIME! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said, "Now take this pick and go find me some gold!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 How are they killing Covid in the North Pole? Santa-tizing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 2 hours ago, archer said: Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there." Ouch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 3 hours ago, archer said: An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven. He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there." He was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 3 hours ago, archer said: An old Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven. He tells God a holocaust joke. God doesn't laugh. Comedian says, "Guess you had to be there." Too true to be funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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