archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Tjack said: Too true to be funny. Yeah. Maybe I should have included the joke which was about the guy who is answering the question of the newbie "That's the crematorium. People are just dying to get in there. That's where we go to get our ashes hauled." But I thought that was too macabre. And that youngsters wouldn't understand the idiom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 18 minutes ago, archer said: Yeah. Maybe I should have included the joke which was about the guy who is answering the question of the newbie "That's the crematorium. People are just dying to get in there. That's where we go to get our ashes hauled." But I thought that was too macabre. And that youngsters wouldn't understand the idiom. I like it, but then again I’ve been known to answer my phone with “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em, Digger speaking.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 19, 2020 Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Just now, Tjack said: I like it, but then again I’ve been known to answer my phone with “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em, Digger speaking.” I've heard that one as "Morgan's Mortuary: You stab 'em, we slab 'em. Twenty-four hour service." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted November 20, 2020 Report Share Posted November 20, 2020 3 hours ago, archer said: I've heard that one as "Morgan's Mortuary: You stab 'em, we slab 'em. Twenty-four hour service." Then you’ve got the old reliable “Stately Wayne Manor, Alfred the Butler speaking.” (Done in a bad upper-crust British accent.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted November 20, 2020 Report Share Posted November 20, 2020 Then there is this old Jewish joke: Many of Hitler's top brass were deep into the occult, and they convinced him to talk to a medium to get a glimpse of the future. Hitler asks the woman "I need to know when I will die." The medium replies "You will die on a Jewish holiday." Hitler says "A Jewish holiday! Well, which one?" The medium looks him straight in the eye and says "The day you die will be a Jewish holiday." archer, Tjack and slikmar 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 21, 2020 Report Share Posted November 21, 2020 Ockham's Spoon, Duke Bushido and Pariah 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 23, 2020 Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 Q: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5? Spoiler A: Because 5 8 13. Christougher and mattingly 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted November 23, 2020 Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Pariah said: Q: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5? Reveal hidden contents A: Because 5 8 13. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 24, 2020 Report Share Posted November 24, 2020 Who played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars? Emperor Palpatine. wcw43921, Ockham's Spoon and archer 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 25, 2020 Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry. Amorkca and tkdguy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted November 25, 2020 Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 In honor of Thanksgiving, here's an oldie but a... well, can't say goodie. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 26, 2020 Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 Why do the restaurants in Paris baked their turkeys? No one would buy their French fried turkeys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 26, 2020 Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery as they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket. He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me." The Irishman scoffed back, "That's just low thievery, I'll show you how to do it honestly and still get the same result." The Irishman then strolled over to where the baker was rolling out dough and says, "Excuse me Sir, would you be interested in seeing a magic trick." The baker, intrigued, dropped his dough and stood by the counter. The Irishman asked him for a bun, which the baker handed over. Eating it, he asks for two more. After eating all three, the baker inquires, slightly perturbed, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?". The Irishman gestures towards his friend, saying smugly, "Look in the Englishman's pockets." Ockham's Spoon, wcw43921 and Tjack 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 26, 2020 Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up. The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “Again.” The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “Again.” The bartender, visibly concerned, fills up 12 more shots and lines them on the bar. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “Again.” The bartender says “Hold up man! You gotta slow down!” The man says “Trust me, if you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too.” “Oh my God,” says the bartender, quietly leaning over the bar he asks, “what do you have?” “A dollar.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 27, 2020 Report Share Posted November 27, 2020 What do you call a lazy space explorer? A procrastronaut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 I went to the doctor and he said "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked ‟ No bacon? No burgers?!” To which he replied ‟No fatty, just do not eat anything! ” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ‟Ask him where the money is!” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ‟Where‘s the money?” Guido signs back, ‟I do not know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, ‟He says he doesn‘t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido‘s head and says, ‟Ask him again or I‘ll kill him!” The lawyer signs to Guido, ‟He will kill you if you do not tell him.” Guido trembles and signs back, ‟OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno‘s house.” The Godfather asks the lawyer, ‟What did he say?” The lawyer replies, ‟He says you don‘t have the guts to pull the trigger.” Tjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better. He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?" "1484" Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?" "Wednesday" Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?" The third one immediately answers "12". The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?" "It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by Wednesday". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. One man says to his friend, ‟I am gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.” He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, ‟One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?” So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, ‟Now what happened?” To this he replies, ‟Small world.” Tjack, Ockham's Spoon, wcw43921 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 A detective story 11:45 - Arrived at crime scene. 11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle. 11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain 11:45 - Realized watch was broken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tjack Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, archer said: Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. One man says to his friend, ‟I am gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.” He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, ‟One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?” So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, ‟Now what happened?” To this he replies, ‟Small world.” They should all get together and have a foursome. You know “play a round”. There’s another one there about strokes, balls and playing in the rough but I couldn’t come up with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, Tjack said: They should all get together and have a foursome. You know “play a round”. There’s another one there about strokes, balls and playing in the rough but I couldn’t come up with it. Keep it simple. Either The first guy looks at the second and replies, "So I guess we should make it a foursome?" Or "I guess we make it a foursome and hope that no one else wants to play though." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..." "... you can't calculate pie." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 I quit cold turkey! Now I only eat hot turkey. Reheat those leftovers people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archer Posted November 28, 2020 Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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