tkdguy Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 A Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Take it easy, we'll find your truck. Pattern Ghost, death tribble, Narf the Mouse and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 2, 2015 Report Share Posted October 2, 2015 Q: What do you get when you cross a Chihuahua with a Border collie? A: A South-of-the-border collie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 USD in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 USD-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted October 16, 2015 Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 FOR SALE Two Great Danes. They like kids. But will eat dog food. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 16, 2015 Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 A couple I heard this week at school: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the ugly witch's house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted October 19, 2015 Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 Gencon Joke: Why would George Lucas sponsor an Oil Stadium? Lucius and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted October 20, 2015 Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Everyone in Oklahoma and Texas knows that the chicken crossed the road to show the armadillo it could be done. Pariah and Burrito Boy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted October 20, 2015 Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Why did the badger cross the road? To get to the otter side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 20, 2015 Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Everyone in Oklahoma and Texas knows that the chicken crossed the road to show the armadillo it could be done. I've heard the same thing with West Virginia and the possum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted October 20, 2015 Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Gencon Joke: Why would George Lucas sponsor an Oil Stadium? Can someone explain this to me ? slikmar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 20, 2015 Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Can someone explain this to me ? Probably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcw43921 Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Can someone explain this to me ? Oh, all right-- Lucas Oil Stadium At Wikipedia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Oh, all right-- Lucas Oil Stadium At Wikipedia Thanks. It explains the GenCon angle and Lucas connection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christougher Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Did you hear about the new armored push up bra for superheroines? It comes in red, gold, green or purple. It's called the Bust Hulker. Pariah and Burrito Boy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 I'm glad you're here to keep us all abreast of these new inventions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 30, 2015 Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 Q - Why don't skeletons drink coffee? A - It goes right through 'em. tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted October 30, 2015 Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 Why can't vampires stop drinking coffee? They're going to be up all night anyway. tkdguy and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 30, 2015 Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer and a mop." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 30, 2015 Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 Can't handle his beer, goes right though him. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 30, 2015 Report Share Posted October 30, 2015 I talked to my school's library guy today to see if they had that new book about Pavlov's Dogs and Schrödinger's Cat. He said the description rang a bell, but he'd have to look to see if they actually had it. Logan D. Hurricanes, FrankL and Lucius 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted November 7, 2015 Report Share Posted November 7, 2015 Spoilered for adult content A married couple decided to change the password on their computer. The husband tried to input "Mypenis" as the password. The wife fell down laughing when the screen said, "Error: not long enough." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted November 8, 2015 Report Share Posted November 8, 2015 No one, nothing, in any manifestation, can resist making a belittling remark. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted November 21, 2015 Report Share Posted November 21, 2015 The Boston Symphony performed Beethoven's Ninth recently. There's a 20 minute stretch where the double bassists have nothing to do. Instead of sitting there twiddling their thumbs, they decided to hit the tavern next door. After slamming down a few beers, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Oh. we're late!" Another said, "Not to worry. I tied the last few pages together of the conductor's sheet music together with string. It'll take him a bit to get it undone." Once they stumbled back in their place, a woman in the audience saw the conductor looking nervous. She mentioned this to her companion. "Of course," her date replied. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded." Lucius, Shadow Hawk, Burrito Boy and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 23, 2015 Report Share Posted November 23, 2015 One fine fall day, two University of Nebraska football players, Bubba and Billy Bob, were taking their final exam in the University’s “Music Appreciation for Athletes” class. A few minutes into the exam, one of them whispers to the other: “Psst! Hey, Bubba!” “Shut up, Billy Bob, you’re going to get us in trouble!” “Hey, I just need help with question #3.” “No!” “Come on, it’ll only take a minute!” “Fine, what’s question #3?” “It says, ‘Fill in the blank: Old MacDonald had a blank’.” “It’s ‘farm’, you dope! Everyone knows that! Old MacDonald had a farm!” “Oh, yeah. Thanks!” A few minutes later, there was another whisper. “Psst! Hey, Bubba!” “Knock it off! You’re gonna get us in trouble!” “I just have to ask you one more question. “All right, what is it now?” “How do you spell farm?” “You don’t know how to spell farm? You must be the most ignorant corn shucker of all time.” “Come on, Billy Bob, don’t be like that. Just tell me how to spell farm.” “All right, but this is the last time I’m helping you.” “Thanks Bubba.” “All right, this is how you spell farm: E-I-E-I-O.” FrankL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted November 24, 2015 Report Share Posted November 24, 2015 As he lay dying, Lord Greystoke expressed his wish that his intestines and stomach be made into a set of drums and bagpipes so that he and his love of music might live on after his death. He wanted to ensure that people could hear the Tarzan's Tripes Forever. Narf the Mouse and Burrito Boy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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