Jokes

[archer]

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

 

The Paladin: You have my sword!

 

The Elf: And my bow!

 

The Dwarf: And my axe!

 

The Necromancer: And your father!

[archer]

My grandfather destroyed twenty German planes in WW2.

 

He was known as Luftwaffe's worst mechanic of all time.

[archer]

I asked my girlfriend what the most NSFW thing she could think of is.

 

She thought for a while before replying, "Probably standing on a swivel chair to change a light bulb that hasn't been turned off."

 

[archer]

A man is on vacation in Spain. He goes off the beaten path and decides to spend the night in a small local inn rather than pay extra at a tourist trap. He’s down in the inn’s lounge drinking and he sees a chicken sitting at the bar. He asks the bartender why there’s a chicken inside. She says that the chicken is actually a genius, a master of trivia, and if you beat her in a trivia quiz she will grant you one wish.

 

Bemused, the man accepts the challenge, figuring why not, it’ll be entertaining at least.

 

The bartender administers the quiz and the hen gets every answer correct and the man is amazed. He remarks to the bartender that he didn’t expect to be beaten by a chicken.

 

“Of course not, no one expects the Spanish inn quiz wish hen.”

[aylwin13]

4 hours ago, archer said:

I asked my girlfriend what the most NSFW thing she could think of is.

 

She thought for a while before replying, "Probably standing on a swivel chair to change a light bulb that hasn't been turned off."

 

... in a puddle of water on the floor.

[archer]

2 minutes ago, aylwin13 said:

... in a puddle of water on the floor.

 

...in a shark-filled pool while monkeys are flinging piranha at her.

[aylwin13]

OK, you got me on that one. And that is unsafe for anywhere, work or otherwise. 😱

[BoloOfEarth]

I can't remember which comedian it was, but he complained that his ex-girlfriend kept calling him asking how to deal with various problems.  One time, she called to say that the light bulb in her bathroom burned out, and she wanted to know how to change it. 
 

He responded, "First, you fill the bathtub with water..."

[Pariah]

"I just built a model of Mount Everest."

 

"Is it to scale?"

 

"No, it's just to look at."

[Starlord]

A guy is sitting at the bar and the bartender comes up to him and says:

 

"Hey, are you sleeping with that waitress over there?"

 

"Umm, no."

 

"Good, you fire her then."

[Bazza]

Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

 

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

 

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

 

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

 

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

 

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

 

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

 

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

 

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

 

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

 

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

 

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

 

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

 

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

 

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

 

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

 

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

 

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

 

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

 

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

 

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

 

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

 

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

 

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

 

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

[Starlord]

#19 is my favorite

[archer]

7 hours ago, Bazza said:

 

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

 

Now I find out my daughter should have been a programmer!

 

Where was this joke years ago? 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

 

The news was hard for me to hear.

[Pariah]

I like #18, but I don't fully understand it.

[Bazza]

2 hours ago, archer said:

 

Now I find out my daughter should have been a programmer!

 

Where was this joke years ago? 

 

Logician, but good luck making a career out of it. 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

What's blue and smells like red paint?

 

Blue paint.

[archer]

On 9/9/2020 at 4:44 PM, Bazza said:

 

Logician, but good luck making a career out of it. 

 

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

 

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

 

[archer]

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., his wife is furious.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” she yelled.

"No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

[archer]

A Chemist and his friend walk into a bar.

The Chemist asks the bartender for a glass of H2O (being a Chemist and all). The bartender nods at him and fills up a glass with water and slides it to him.

The bartender looks at the Chemist's friend and asks what he will have.

The friend, not wanting to look stupid, quickly replies with, "Oh yeah, I'll have a glass of H2O too".

The bartender gives him a weird look but fills up another glass, and they both drink.

The friend died. 

 

[archer]

I have to stop saying, "How stupid can you be?"

 

I think some people are taking it as a challenge.

[Cancer]

Like this one?

 

 

[archer]

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

 

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

 

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

[archer]

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week. Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

 

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

 

One of the substances we cannot use it for is sodium. Even though it does not react with the helium, sodium in an environment with something it can't react with actually causes it to destabilize. In the correct stoichiometric ratio (8:3), it can actually explode. The chemists have a phrase they use to remind themselves of this:

 

Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, He He He, goodbye.

[archer]

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples.

 

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".